At Least I Got Myself a Veggie Weiner

Dear Freida,

How are you? Anxious today? I know. You took the lip model to the airport early this morning for a one week visit with her birth father and step mother in Philly. The good thing about that is that they will spoil her silly, her siblings will be jealous, and she will find being home even more boring than usual. The bad thing is that you will miss her.

What pray tell is it that you are anxious about? I know that earlier today the fuckernet was back to its recent shenanigans, but look and see what happens when you just call and ask for help. It's fixed again. The service has merely had problems that its Mac users are experiencing and I know you were heartened that the owner, who lives three doors down, called you himself, assuring you your service was not disconnected, but rather asked what it is that you were experiencing, which made it all the more disappointing that you could not sit and write a post earlier today, but then Matt took care of it in 30 seconds when you just called. Of course, that merely leaves you with worries about using your cell phone. Be sure to thank your shacking up mother-in-law for sending you that video. It helps. You bees are sensitive to such things, I know.

But, you did get the letter that told you that your stimulus bribe check would be $600 less than you expected, which you expected, and you can go get good groceries even as early as tomorrow if you aren't too lazy to walk down to the mailbox and see if it came today. It hasn't been so bad now has it? You have been a baking machine and did the impossible, fed your family of an average of five people home each day on $130 for the week while the usual in the summer is $250. It was a smart move to buy bulk whole wheat flour and nice cornmeal and make those apple muffins, homemade pancakes, excellent homemade cornbread. Hell, you even made that rockin' garlic bread out of bread that had been in the freezer for four months. The giant bag of potatoes, lots of butter, apples and beans were wise choices. That giant bag of frozen okra just happened to be fodder for the best fried okra you've ever made. God, being poor is boring.

Freida, I would really suspect you of being ungrateful if you hadn't smiled your cheatin' ass off over winning a date with a veggie weiner, or maybe it is permanent ownership even. That shit's just what you need, you know. I mean, you're all rested since, at least so far, sleeping's free. You and your veggie weiner should have yourselves a spankin' good time. Yep.

Love, Freida

Oh, and to reinforce what a winner weiner you are...

A Compelling List of 10 Reasons You Should Win Mom Of The Year

1. "Mom, can I watch Homestar Runner, Southpark, and Family Guy even though I'm only 6 (on Sunday)?" "Sure."

2. "What does my thirteen year-old daughter look like again? I think I remember her."

3. No bedtime.

4. Our hidden cameras caught you buying your children lunch at Taco Bell yesterday.

5. You bought candy cigarettes in rural Oklahoma.

6. You took your children to rural Oklahoma.

7. You let your children eat candy cigarettes.

8. You asked your child to pretend smoke.

8. You took a picture of your child pretend smoking.

9. You posted a picture of your child pretend smoking on your blog.

10. Your son placed a wager with promise of paying his brother's future beard as payment.

(Bonus Reason: Your children are strange.)


Randal Graves said...

Strange is genetic. Just sayin'. Now show that veggie wiener the time of its life!

Dean Wormer said...

Don't let the kids light and try and smoke the candy cigs because I can tell you from personal experience that's a really bad idea.

pidomon said...

strange but wonderful!

fairlane said...

You, and Mr. Veggie Dog are a match made in Hormel, I mean, Heaven.

Dr. Zaius said...

Okra!?!? OKRA!?!? Okra is not a food, it is an adhesive.

Scarlet W. Blue said...

You can still buy candy cigs in Oklahoma?

Those things tasted AWFUL!

Scarlet W. Blue said...

BTW, I see your strange children and raise you two EVEN STRANGER children.