Something Cute and Quirky

Holy shit, it's been how many days since I posted? (Don't answer that.) There are two incomplete posts sitting in editor mode, one of which I accidentally pushed "publish" on and so it may have been in your reader. There's nothing particularly wrong with it per se, but I just got bored with writing it. I was going to show you pictures from some family excursion only to later rue my putting identifiers in my blog. I do still intend to take the family pics off here to postpone my future teacher firing, but well, I'm lazy that way, apparently.

And then this morning, it struck me: Haven't there been enough fucking fuzzy bunny pics here lately? Who wants to hear about my kids getting all muddy at Barton Springs and then our swimming in the rain? Who wants to hear about my first crème brûlée experience as I took one Mr. Bee to see "The Dark Knight" on his birthday, leaving me with too little money to purchase a gift and so certain favors had to be rendered as proper due?

Who wants to see me with my t-shirt tied on my head like I'm some sort of outdoor woman or some shit? I'm not. My garden went to pot again, I have done nary an outdoor thing at my own home and I'm freezing in the AC here at work in my corduroy pants and long-sleeved black tee rather than my regulation security guard attire. My cute co-worker left when he got a full-time job and I'm a little too paranoid to mention anything about such matters anyway. I have one hundredth of an iota of discretion. Who knew? Certainly not me.

I could have recounted how I got a call from an off-duty state trooper to pick up The Formerly Future President from Whole Foods in an incident resulting in her first serious grounding of two to three weeks only to find out her cohort got a year-long grounding! I could show you the picture of how she was lying in a mud puddle to protest the walk she had to take with her brothers and me when she wanted to be swimming with her friends or be left alone at her dad's to drum up mischief as she saw fit, for which I have complete empathy. At least no Purple Passions were consumed as was the case in my youth, but she is only 13. Her adolescence is still young.

I would probably only seem like a loon if I recounted how I saw a bunch of red spots on my son's arm at 3 in the morning when I was moving him so he didn't fall off the couch where the children have taken to falling asleep quite often in these summer months. The red spots were unlike anything I had ever seen. With no fever, no texture to the outbreak, I decided to look it up online, only to discover The Genius may have had leukemia and the spots were subcutaneous bleeding apparently, either that or Ebola, until I called Mr. Bee from work, after he'd awoken, to have him make sure there was no fever present (at which point I would have insisted a hospital visit necessary) only to find out it was all red marker.

No one cares what the hell I broke my fast with (fresh-sqeezed orange juice) after seven days of Teh Master Cleanse. No one thinks my using the word "teh" is cute either. I know what you want. Ok, actually, I don't, but I am pretty darn sure it's not my telling you how I have the renewed hots for Maggie Gyllenhaal after finally watching Secretary with Mr. Bee last week. Ok, that might actually be along the lines of what you do want to hear, but I don't want to hear it, 'cause then my pity party might be over and I'd have nothing else to write at the moment.

You might ask, "How's the memoir coming, Freida?" Shut the fuck up, alright! No, I am not hostile about having the brilliant idea to write it as a love letter only to have my faint musings of inspiration fail when I realized I am a philanderer in my heart who wants things to be all about me all the time. In fact, I am nearly perky as shit to have Zoloft be affecting me sexually to the extent that in order to have an orgasm finally I loathesomely (ok, not really) had to watch porn involving double penetration (New google search terms. Yea! "Whore" was dwindling lately.) to get off. I mean, not one of you gives a shit about what I'm going through. I've had precious little to complain about and it's driving me fucking crazy.

Mr. Bee and I have been getting along well. The Lip Model has been cooperative. I haven't been spending all of my time blogging. I don't have classes right now and, in fact, I am really starting to believe that I might actually accomplish that graduation thing. I've lost ten pounds this summer and there has been little rain, so I haven't even had to mow our five acres every two days. I cleaned my desk. (I know!) I got over my recent Scrabulous addiction. There are no employees at work this weekend, so I can talk to myself until I'm green in the face. The AC's fixed and we even bought an AC filter that is guaranteed for the next ten years. What the hell am I going to do in all the time it would have taken me to buy 120 disposable AC filters, anyway?

The only thing left for me to do here is to pretend I care about something beyond the personal. I could tell you about how I learned about the history of Apple computers and the Steves by reading Wikipedia last night, or how Christian Bale was in this cheesy movie and I saw a clip of his singing part at The Alamo the other day, where we didn't even have to sit on the very front row because we were prepared by buying tickets online and arriving early. Or, you may not have known about how my boyfrind Christian's father married Gloria Steinem in his and her 60's and how he's been a vegetarian since he was about six or so, of his own volition. Boooring.

I might act like I noticed Barack Obama was in Germany as McMuffin continued to act like a douche at Fudgepackers. I might pretend I watched Charlie Bartlett the other day and would recommend it to anyone with a sense of humor and Netflix. I might relay how much I love Hope Davis as an actress and then you'd all agree with me that she is absolutely gorgeous. But, where is the sport in that? Duh. I might point out something dumb George Jr. did or something cruel Cheney did or something two-faced Nancy P. did, but what fun would that be?

I have nothing original, nothing new, nothing worth saying here, it seems. I might as well finish up here and read a book. I might as well cross the things to do off my list. I might as well look busy at work with nobody here. Oh, the irony. Oh, the humanity. I might as well study in advance for my finals next semester. I might as well go lick the toilets if I'm going to be an ass kisser like that anyway. Surely, there is something I can do to screw things up here. Surely I can lose my temper, not pay some bill, get some ticket, lose my job, lie to some friend..., make a prank phone call, at least. I mean, I might as well call my grandmother, tell her I miss her and crochet a doily for Jesus Fucking Christ on a whole wheat cracker's sake.

I might as well Froodle. I might as well clean my purse, sweep the floor, straighten all the pictures in the facitily. I might as well clean out my email, make a budget, buy back-to-school supplies for the kids before the night before school starts when there are only pink rulers left. I might as well iron my shirt, push in a chair, floss my teeth, sing the Star Spangled Fucking Banner. I might as well make a resume, put on some hand cream, shave my legs, darn my socks, wash the windows, organize the laundry room, do a sit-up.



Bubs said...

I woulda liked to see all that stuff you mentioned. I'm glad you at least gave us a glimpse of it.

So, when you got done with teh Master Cleanse (I, for one, still find "teh" cute), were you happy with the results? I had a good experience with a short version of it (4 days) but I've been thinking of doing the 10 day.

Anonymous said...

You could make me laugh!

Wait - you did!

Utah Savage said...

She's ba-aack! I missed you, for what it's worth. I'm back on Zoloft and losing my ferocious appetite. Maybe I'll lose weight too. Skinny bitch.

I've decided to bore the fuck out of everybody and post my favorite music everyday until I can get my fictional life in order. This is partly due to my having learned to LINK to YOUTUBE. That's teach you fuckers. No you but the rest of those fuckers. So I will not be posting in the bloggy blog, but I will be editing my ass off trying to be a better writer. Am I nagging ANYONE? Maybe, maybe not. Let your conscience be your guide, you and Dcup.

Anonymous said...

We need to have that coffee date.

Randal Graves said...

I think you're lying about cleaning your desk.

Distributorcap said...

gawd i have missed your writings

Liberality said...

you are cute.

Freida Bee said...

Bubs, I completely recommend teh Master Cleanse for 10 days. My teeth started to hurt after many days the last time two times I've done it, but that's a reflection of my teeth more than the cleanse. Also, the real maple syrup is pretty expensive and I went for 7 days to be moderate that way too. I always feel very good after doing it. Only once did it do me wrong many years ago, but later I discovered I had been hyperthyroid and I think that's why.

DCup- Crap, you cheered me up. I love seeing your picture like that, love.

U. Savage- I'll attempt to appease you soon, ma'am- another post? I'm glad I'm home now, so I can watch your videos, which I couldn't do so at work earlier.

Utah- I am 99.99% certain that you are thinner than me. I won't throw out my weight to prove it, but I am pretty darn sure. That cute lass in the picture is my 13 year-old daughter. She's a cool 5"2' hottie. There's no denyin'. (Note the mud on her backside after she had lain in a mud puddle. Her tendency toward non-violently protesting the injustices of this world is what earned her the nickname "The Future President."

t'lass- Some evening soon would be best..., or next week my chillin's'll be w/ grandma and grandpa. I look forward to it and shall email you soon.

Randal- My next post will be a picture of my desk if it's the last thing I do this hour.

DCap- I've missed you too, dear. I have been using Google Reader lately and have been meaning to add your blog there, and just did, so I shall be stopping over more oft.

Liberality- If you are referring to me in writing, thanks. If you are referring to me due to the picture, that's my daughter and I confer and thank you, still.

Freida Bee said...

Lib- Make that "concur."

Comrade Kevin said...

Geeze, when I have nothing to say, I'm beyond dull.

You have a gift for making nothing sound so appealing.

Blueberry said...

I need to see those Alamo clips with the singing.

I liked how Obama spoke before 200,000 Germans and McPain brags about having a snitzel lunch at Schmidt's Fudge Haus, disses a right-wing paper, then complains about not getting media coverage.

Hope your Sunday was better than mine, which was spent putting up shelves with MrB. I'm glad there was no 3rd person there to Youtube it. We wouldn't have touched a DIY project like that if they hadn't fallen down in the exact middle of the night, and full of books.

pissed off patricia said...

I care and I like to laugh too. Thanks for an early morning smile.

Dean Wormer said...

Is the Alamo as cool a theater as it looks like?

It seems to me that if you're a movie fan that's the place to go.

Liberality said...

I meant it both ways ;D

GETkristiLOVE said...

So really, how's the memoir coming?

Your red dot story reminded me about the time my sister went into the E.R. because her pee was bloody red, only to find out that one should expect that when you eat a plate of fresh beets as a main entre.

Dr. Zaius said...

I'm with you, Freida. "Naah."