It's Not Opposite Day

I've got sumpthin'. Just joking. I'm really busy cleaning the house today and I have to go put on my make-up so I can look pretty for when I meet up with my husband with our well-mannered children at a restaurant. Forget the pizza buffets and health-food snacks feigning picnic items, I'm through with that.

I'm confident that on this, the deadline promised, and the money not-needed for snaggletooth's timely birthday bash, that our effective stimulus check will be in the mailbox with the $600 we expected added right in. That's okay because right after that, I will go buy a lottery ticket which will surely award us the missing funds and then some.

I never have minded buying lottery tickets and losing in the past because the money goes straight into the coffers of public education, which Perry supports fully, particularly science. I do hear Hannah Montana confirming my well-spoken statements, even as we virtually speak, which I must admit, is just as satisfying as the real thing.

Speaking of which, I hate porn. It's not because it exploits women, but rather because it just doesn't do a thing for me. Plus, I believe what the Bible says about my forgiveness in Jesus if I don't covet porn stars' neighbors, however slutty they are. I would be neglectful if I forgot to mention that I'm rubber and you're glue and what you say bounces off me and sticks to you.

I love how well my children get along. Sometimes I try to encourage them to be like other kids and play video games and get on MySpace every so often, but they just won't have it. They're so busy cleaning their rooms, getting exercise and fighting over who gets to give me a foot massage that I rarely get to spend any time with them negotiating their problems.

My children have been well bathed, with teeth well-brushed all summer. Did I forget to mention that they are not fighting right now as they do not sit for another hour in front of an XBox. They keep begging me to take them to the hike and bike trail so they can practice riding their bikes which I'd like to do to get into shape, but I already worked out for two hours at the gym at 6 AM.

I know I shouldn't have done that since I was supposed to take Fridays off from working out, but I am just an exercizaholic. Oh, there is so much more I have to say and you know I would be loathe to write with nothing important to say, but I must go. I wish you all pink rainbows and fluffy elephants on this gorgeous, spring-like day that the Lord hath blessed. Amen.

P.S. Baby Jesus, I know that today is the day George Bush will be impeached, war is over if we want it, and the democrats will have a change of heart regarding FISA. Please bless BushCO™ as they know not what they do. They only have the nation's best interest at heart, just as I do. Forgive me in advance for getting drunk, Jesus. Actually, join me and we'll get drunk and screw. Amen for real this time.


Anonymous said...

This is the worst post you've ever written! I'm shocked and dismayed at the turn your blogging has taken. I will pray to Jesus for you anyway because I know that you're an awful, terrible, horrible woman who needs His help to recover from being a shopaholic as well as an exercizaholic and a serious workaholic. I will not even address the horror of you suggesting sexual relations with the Lord.

I barely tolerate you,


Dr. Zaius said...

All of my pink rainbows and fluffy elephants have been taken to Gitmo for some Homeland Security style re-edumacatin'.

Scarlet W. Blue said...

Oh, bummer. I feel like such a loser now. Why, why, why do you have to be so perfect with your perfect children and your teeth brushing and all that?

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

You almost had me you minx.

Utah Savage said...

And I'm the sweetest most tactful girl in the wold, or the Queen of Romania, please, take your pick. Either way I come out a winner. Oh how I love backwards day. Can we do this more often. When your stories are not only finished, but published with glowing reviews as well.

Randal Graves said...

You are all sane patriots. Wait, it's Saturday. You're all DSM-IV commies.

I wish my neighbor was a lovely porn actress instead of Greasy McCar-On-Cinder-Blocks.

konagod said...

That's odd. None of the porn I've seen exploits women. Women aren't even in it!