One in Which I Summon Ye Olde Fire Crotch

Well, well, well, if it isn't dear old Day 4 o' The Cleanse. I feel cleaner already, but that may be because I actually took a shower this morning. I'll try not to go into too much detail as to exactly what it is that The Master Cleanse cleanses, but well, it's your intestinal tract.

I probably won't tell you about my favorite part of the the cleanse, the salt-water flush in the mornings. It's a "top-down" enema, which means it goes straight through, cleansing all the while. Oh what a joy. I think it is designed to make the rest of the day seem like a total breeze, drinking a tall lemonade spiked with cayenne as one sits pooside, detoxifying oh so delicately.

What I really wanted to write about are the foods which sound so delicious right now. Nothing like 10 days of liquids can put the craving of veggies in the belly. The Future President called me last night from her dad's to tell me that she's going to go off the fast. That's fine, preferrable to me even. She went a noble 3 days, probably a healthier amount for a young lass such as herself anyway. I'll have to offer her moral support via satellite in not going and eating a bunch of fried chicken, for which she has been claiming a craving. Fresh squeezed orange juice, tomato soup, yogurt, a baked potato for dinner in addition to the lemonade. These are the things I have advised her to break her fast with today, slowly. Will she listen? I'm not sure. I hope so.

It's not that I don't have cravings. Sure I love me some tapioca and banana puddings. I have a special place in my heart that melts for carob covered malt balls and almonds, but it is really warm veggies I desire right now. Asparagus with lemon butter, steamed carrots or corn with dill. Oh, my famous homemade cornbead waffles (with actual corn contained). I dreamt of black-eyed peas the other day, but a bowl of black beans with some raw onion, jalapeno, diced tomato, shredded cheese and sour cream sounds divine.

As I fell asleep last night, I was remembering my old friend miso and was craving me some buttery short grain brown rice with some red miso atop. I could drink a whole bottle of goat yogurt, but some home made tomatillo salsa (tomatillos y tomatos con un poquito del jugo de una naranja, cilantro, jalapeño, comino, sal) with some light chips, mmmmmmmmm.*

Una homemade sopa del pollo (even though I've been back to veggie después Thanksgiving) sounds lovely, salty, peppery. I'm craving warmth. I'll put more cayenne in my next batch of the lemonade which is actually limeade today sweetened with some mighty yummy maple syrup. I've decided that I'm going to break my juice fast on the tenth day, keeping it liquid, but adding some of that butternut squash soup I love from teh market. I could dip some toasted sprouted grain cinnamon raisin toast doused with olive oil in it so easily too.

I am allowed non-caffeinated herbal teas, so I'll pick myself up some warming teas, gingery pepperminty cinnamoninesses. That's it. I've been cold. I want to not be sitting here in the AC, but rather sweating out on the hike and bike trail all day or so. I couldn't take my sons swimming the other day because I just didn't want to be cooled off. I've been tweaking the AC temp up at home behind everyone's back. There is no marital issue more controversial in our house (besides alcohol, sex, parenting, gun ownership, and video games) than the temperature the AC is set at and how high the ceiling fan is set.

It seems Mr. Bee could sweat in a snow storm while I could work outside in the heat all day (and have at times). As long as I can get naked (or close to it) and wet, I'm good (insert sexual innuendo here). Fortunately I can put my freezing butt up against his fire crotch and we're both the better for it. Oh crap, I'm at work and a post that was meant to be all about food porn made me crave something else altogether.

The boring tale I promised needs a few pictures I realized and will have to wait until tomorrow. Go and be hot and sweaty for me now, okay? (Except for you, Randal.)

*¿Donde está el hottie moreno de mi sueño?


Anonymous said...

I'm all over the hot and sweaty for you today. I mean, I out there getting hot and sweaty. Hope that helps.

And really? What is wrong with you? Not a mention of Velveeta or white bread in the whole post! Paging Florence Joe!

Randal Graves said...

Merci for giving me the okay to avoid the heat. Outside, it's as hot as Agent Scully. I love you, AC.

To defend Mr. Bee, ever try walking in a windy snowstorm? Sweating is quite common. Then the bus has the heat on too high, and when there are 40 fuckers on it all parka-ed up, well, we all smell like ass. It's great.

Snow...snow...as long as I can get cold...and dry. Hmm. There really isn't a sexual innuendo within 75 miles of that. Oh well.

Utah Savage said...

Shit, I have a melt-down and when I awake from the spell cast on my by my evil shrink, you've gone all cleansing on me. WTF?

And what about the murdering part? How's that coming oh clean one?

Anonymous said...

I'm hot, sweaty AND stinky. Do I get extra credit? Also, the cleanse sounds grueling - it would never work for me because if I went even a few hours without caffeine, I'd be stabbing people.

Freida Bee said...

DCup- I think it just makes it worse, but please don't stop. (and send pics ;))

Randal, Randal, Randal. You are sexy on popsicle stick. I know I will rue my cold hating wishes as soon as I step out of the AC. But, I gotta hate on somehthing. If you go defending Mr. Bee here at my blog, where am I going to go to complain about him and have everyone agree with me even when I'm (sic) wrong? Not that that would ever happen. At least when it's cold outside you guys can eat your hamburgers in your parkas and smell like ass together in the snow. I'll be naked by the fire.

Utah- I'm working on it right now. Well, I'm replying to ccomments right now, but I'm working on it. Really.

The Lass- Of course. Stinky gets bonus points here. I wish I were like that on caffeine, 'cause I love love coffee. I'm more likely to stab someone on coffee than off it. I get jittery and anxious on the coffee sauce way too easily. It tain't pretty. (But, that doesn't mean I wouldn't meet you for coffe sometime after we;ve commented each other's blogs for the next 5 months on the condition it was low key and lap tops and talking about bloggin was allowed, because then it wouldn't seem like an actual social event. It could be an anti-social one.

Randal Graves said...

Great, splinters in my sphincter. What if I promise that that was the last time I ever defend a fellow man husband guy type?*

Dammit, now I want a hamburger and snow. Guess I'll settle for a pot of coffee and some stabbing.

*on your blog. On mine, we're the bestest things ever!

Anonymous said...

Fact: I drink at least one pot of coffee a day. Sometimes two. Oddly, this doesn't make me jittery...much. Five months? It's a date! Although I must warn you that I am more socially inept than anti-social. It's part of my charm.

Liberality said...

I'd have to have something with some lead in it--what is the point of non-leaded drinks I ask you. I had some fine wine the other night that has me thirsting for more. I gotta go buy some tonight because we can't buy the wine on Sundays here in holy Indiana. I'll drink to your fasty fastness.

pidomon said...

HOT check
SWEATY check

Got ya covered FB!

Blueberry said...

Where's the protein? I thought people would get sick without it. Still it sounds like the lemonade diet might be a good idea except for no caffeine. As for the "top down" enema, it sounds better than a "bottom up" enema... and I like that Freudian typo of "sitting pooside" ;-)

Freida Bee said...

Randal- The comments not against men or husbands or shackin' up husbands, but those who disagree with me.

thelass- Well, perhaps we'll be complementary in social situations as I am relatively social ept, but reclusive. Others may disagree with that ept part, but I'm just anti-social enough that I don't care much.

Liberality- Since I don't drink alcohol, I always appreciate people drinking on my behalf.

Pidomon- You said hot check. Hehe. I wonder if sweaty checks are less offensive.

Blueberry- I don't think there's much in the way of protein which I'm usually very mindful of as a vegetarian (only fairly recently, but for several years in the past), but I think there are some aminos to work with and after having done it several times, I haven't felt too much suffering. I have found that when I have lost weight, I have gained it back. The weight loss may be somewhat superficial, but I've always felt better after doing it, lighter.

I totally hadn't noticed "pooside." I'm leaving it for posterity.

Freida Bee said...

Or should that be for posteriority?

Darn, it's not a genuine Freudian slip.

thelass- that should be socially ept. I really think ept should be a word.

enc said...

Sorry I'm coming so late to the cleanse-fest. I admire you for doing it. I hear it works well, but that it's difficult getting through it.

Your whole list of cravings has made me hungry!