8/17/08

The Gold Medal for Sucking Goes To... American Idoltry

Once upon a time long, long ago in a land far, far away there was a baby who was destined to do great things. While others called him a bastard, his mother called him Jesus. She was extremely proud of her son, and for good reason; he invented the vacuum cleaner, nothing less than the single most wonderful contribution to the advancement of women and the eventual invention of carpet. All across the magical land of fairies Jesus wandered with his upright walking friend, Kirby, wondering what purpose he might have in this world without a father, but for the one which visited him in his mind from time to time. In a time when dumpsters of lore were slim to none, a young, adolescent Jesus, hungry and dirty, searched high and low for a Double Chocolate Chip Frappuccino Creme w/whip and a source of power with which Kirby might suck the scum from the earth so that it could more properly sit in a bag in a pile of bags. What baby-faced Jesus found was nothing less than a miracle.

After forty days and forty nights of this, his hyper-caffeinated state, he finally knelt down in despair and lamented, "Father, I cannot carry this, your useless tool, another minute. I shall leave it here at this very bathhouse if you do not give me a sign." At that very moment a fairy God mother appeared to Jesus, who was now sixteen and a half and asked him, "Young, sexy Jesus, why do you shake your fists at your father and threaten to forsake Kirby, your only friend?" "Fairy God mother, I have been carrying around my father's useless tool since the first day of school. The young virgins have been laughing at me and the throwers of the sacred calfskin have taken to taunting me, 'Look at Jesus who sayeth his father is God and yet he walketh around with a useless tool.' I can't take it anymore. I'm quitting the team and I'm running away."

"Jesus, sweet, sweet Jesus, to where will you run? Far and wide people have heard of you and your useless tool. You cannot escape your destiny. You must stay and face your fear." At that very moment tears ran from Jesus's eyes to the dusty earth, rain came down from the sky after a long drought, and a fierce bolt of lightning struck the kite Jesus had been flying, sending a jolt of electricity through his now erect penis into Kirby who sucked the scum of the earth for the first time that day. A great cleansing fluid emerged and Jesus knew deep down in his heart what he must do. "Come hell or high water, Father, I shall show all of the peoples of the earth your tool, my tool, or my name isn't Jesus Christ Superstar." From that day forth, the scum of the earth were on the run from Jesus, but Jesus did not give up. He and his band of merrymakers have been spreading the gospel of Kirby and God's almighty cleansing fluid door to door, restoring virginity to thousands of satisfied customers, for centuries.

Many have wondered what happened Kirby over the years, and the secret has long been kept. Until now. Kirby has been in my care now for over three years. He was not in very good shape. My grandmother-in-law could not take care of his needs it seems and the time was nigh that I set forth to carry on the legacy of Jesus's seed, sucking the scum of the earth. Jesus came into my heart and guided me to Target where he said I would find my Bissel, a bagless wonder, for only $79.99. My faith has been restored. Last night Bissel sucked for me like no other ever has. He sucked places I did not even know needed sucking. He was thorough, he was powerful and he lasted until the job was done. After I was satisfied, Jesus said to me, "Ryan, now you know what God's tool is capable of. Kirby died and Bissel rose from the ashes. This is my new testament, the world is now ready for you to suck the scum of the earth so that disease, famine, and war can be no more, so the virginity of the earth's forests may be restored, and so all suffering will be ended. It is now time for me to come again and this time you are going to help me do it. Go be my tool."

What could I do? What could I do? I got all choked up and I gave him a hug. I powered up my Bissel and he cleaned my rug. It's virginity's been restored and I came right away with a different point of view. I promised Jesus I would spread the word through my top forty radio show and he said, "Yea. Go forth and speak the truth sexily. When more people suck the scum of the earth like you, impeachment will occur. What a glorious day that will be. Care Bears will slide down rainbows into vats of Jello™. The simulcast will be hosted by you, Ryan Secrest, and America can text 'HOTDAMN' to 21187 to decide if it should use margarine or real butter in the chocolate chip cookies that each and every American will receive in scheduled mailings over the course of the next 13 months according to the last four digits of their social security numbers and democracy will be restored.

Amen, and so on and so forth.

(Um, I got a new vacuum. Can you tell?)

19 comments:

Mauigirl said...

Brilliant post, Freida Bee! What a way to tell us you got a new cleaning utensil! ;-)

Ghost Dansing said...

jebus was with fuller brush........ the secret life of vacuum cleaners

Anonymous said...

I need a new vacuum cleaner! We just had a dust up about that very thing today at 'Tits HQ!

May your sucker suck mightily.

pidomon said...

well this post sucks!
(in a very good non sucky way I mean)

Mathman6293 said...

I am amazed by the experiences in your parallel Texas world. It would seem that we are a day behind and I predict we will have a new vac replacing Hoover by tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

All hail the king! Feel free to bring him to my house so he can work his sucking magic on my poor unsaved rugs.

FranIAm said...

Despite all my preaching on my blog, I gave Kirby up a long time ago for Dyson.

Dyson is big, purple and can suck like nobody's business.

I love him. He is the Anti-Kirby that John Hagee goes on about all the fucking time. It is great.

Blueberry said...

I've heard that in a Vacuum, no one can hear you scream. I think they mean the Vacuum of Space. Now THAT'S a vacuum. Next time we replace the vacuum, we'll just get a black hole. That should suck up the dust bunnies and a few other things.

Utah Savage said...

I eschew the delights of Wall Mart and all such christiany outlets in favor of the little vacuum store in Sugar House, my closest retail neighborhood. I went through three vacuums from places like the holy wall mart and narry got a refund for crapola that didn't suck, or get sucked. So now I have a French vacuum cleaner that sucks just right, but the bags are small and made of gold. What can I say? If it isn't tithing in one form or another, it doesn't work. God gives with one hand and takes with another. Bet your Bissel breaks in a month.

okjimm said...

Boy.... I can't wait till you replace your blender. Betcha that post will be a whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


;)

of course I was really nuked when I replaced my twenty year old micro wave. I got really.....hot.

Randal Graves said...

I love when you do these historical posts. I've always wanted to hear the origin story of my favorite comic book superhero, Jesus.

Christopher said...

I have one word for you, Freida: Oreck.

Comrade Kevin said...

Evil demon spirits that have caused dust and decay, BE GONE!

Praise Jeeezus!

GETkristiLOVE said...

I get it... so Ryan Secrest is the Judas in this story!!!

Border Explorer said...

I'll let you vacuum at my place. And while you're over there, I've got a post I'd like you to write for me. This was hot.

Border Explorer said...

I'll let you vacuum at my place. And while you're over there, I've got a post I'd like you to write for me. This was hot.

Border Explorer said...

(oops, sorry!)

Freida Bee said...

Maui- Thank you, darling. You are the first to find out here and now that Mr. Bee and I just got a new washing machine today. Maybe someday I can recount the history that led up this current event. i believe it involves Jesus's load being agitated more adeptly.

Ghost- Ha.

DCup- So, did you get a new vac? I am still baffled where the endless dirt comes from that this new sucker seems to find.

Pidomon- Thanks for suckin', I mean sayin.' ;)

Mathman- If only we could find the secret portal between here qand there.

Fran- I am envious of those who haveth the big guns. I know there will be a day when Kirby will be resurrected, but the time is not nigh.

Blueberry- Oh my, don't let Hoover™ hear you say that. The honeybee's disappearing as a casualty of cell phones, well, that will seem like a gentle mist compared to the tornado to which you refer.

Freida Bee said...

Utah- I have misvoted with my dollar here. This is true. This is just an affair I'm having until Kirby goes in for his procedure. Mr. Bissell had a three year warranty and my baby bees can push him around in ways they could not do with Kirby. Maybe one day I'll get a Frenchie for myself.

Ok Jimm, I swear I'm not joking when I say that Mr. Bee suggested that we perhaps get a sorely needed new microwave just Friday. Because of your comment, I was in favor, secretly thinking of the post I could write about it. Unfortunately, we really can't do it just yet, though we were able to get a washing machine (It's financial aid time at the beginning of the semester and washing machines pay for themselves pretty quickly.)

We were excited to not have to go to the laundrymat anymore and we puchased a three year parts and labor warranty, so I did what any sane person would do; I suggested we have sex on top of it. Unfortunately, Mr. Bee declined.

Randal- Yes, there are many a tale to tell of young sexy Jesus. I just hope that I can spread a little of his love far and wide.

Christopher- Yes, Oreck is marriage material indeed. Yumm.

Comrade- Yes, I have been trying to clean my mind with prayer for some time now, but it's still filthy.

Kristi- I always know I can count on you to point out the obvious. ;)

Ms. Explorer- You know, I really should write the more accurate history of Sexy Jesus. I hear erotica sells well.

Thanks stopping by on your travels.