8/31/08

Gov. Schwarzenegger Seizes Opportunity Gustav Offers

Sensing the marital suicide Schwarzenegger would be committing to further endorse the presumptive Republican presidential nominee, John McCain, at the GOP convention, which begins Monday, the actor-turned-politician followed President Bush's and Vice President Cheney's suit in deciding not to honor his opening night speaking engagement. The executive branch blamed Hurricane Gustav's interference while Schwarzenegger cited his state's fiscal crisis for his necessary absence.

Bush is still upset by the cancellation according to some sources close to the President who overheard him saying, "It's tha least ah could do after all McCain's done to support mah war. Ah jes' hope Cindy still sends me mah free case a beer. Mah avisers tol' me it would be unsensitive for me to be smiling out in public while peoples might be dying in a hurricane. Even though ah disgree, they knows who tha d'cider is in this sitiation. Ah'm jes' glad ah'll get ta play me some golf Labor Day weekend after all, in honor a tha four fathers an' all, ya'll know." As Gustav approaches category 5 hurricane status, forecasters are expecting sunny skies at the Burning Tree Country Club in Greenwich, Connecticut where Bush intends to celebrate Labor Day.

Dick Cheney, who was unavailable for comment, has repeatedly expressed his opposition to the upcoming election by calling it "unnecessary." Rumor has it that the Vice President has scheduled his next heart transplant for January 21, 2009, the day he calls, "the day after he takes his historic third oath of office." Cheney's contempt for McCain and drive for power have never been a secret, but according to some sources close to the Vice President, who requested to stay anonymous for their own safety, "You have no idea to what extent Dick's planning to take this thing. Martial Law is about to look like a benign primetime television series is all I can say."

It appears that while Schwarzenegger is taking advantage of the oval cancellations, he still hopes to avoid recrimination from Republican extremists on the matter. "You know I love guns, no abortions, penalties vith death, and the late Charlton Heston, but I am married man vith needs and hoping Republicans vill not notice my vife supports Obama against my vishes. I simply vould never get the laid again if I gave speech for McCain." The California Governor's wife was recently heard saying at a rally before thousands of Obamanos, "Obama gives me hope that we can turn this nation around." In an effort to maintain his office, Governor Schwarzenegger has continued to maintain that he has no such hope, particularly after the defeat conservatives in California took quite personally and confusedly concerning gay marriage.

It can neither be confirmed nor denied that Schwarzenegger was seen crying in the TGI Friday's, where he reportedly first heard the news that he would not be the Vice Presidential nominee as he formerly presumed. The Governorator was seen leaving the restaurant muttering, "I can be a girly man if that's vhat they vant. Vhy didn't they tell me that is vhat they vanted?"
Convention organizers have decided not to cancel the Spanish translation services they've planned to offer to appeal to hispanic voters that may have tuned in to see Schwarzenegger or Texas Governor Rick Perry speak, saying, "We just want them to think we Republicans are their 'friends' and our tough immigration tactics are merely for their own good, but this does not mean that we acknowledge anything other than English as the official language of the United States." "We are very excited, because we know that Palin will represent us on this one. I loved it most when he used to wear those dresses. His English is impeccable and we are confident that Hillary Clinton's supporters will not even be able to tell the difference between the two," one Minneapolis convenience store owner said excitedly as he was stocking extra gay porn in anticipation of the upcoming convention.

16 comments:

Randal Graves said...

Oh man, I never even thought about the T-1000 angle in this campaign. McCain seriously fucked up. Anyone have Linda Hamilton's phone number?

Comrade Kevin said...

I've never taken the Governator seriously, quite frankly. Though I have to say it makes watching Total Recall a bit of a mindfuck.

Omnipotent Poobah said...

Schwarzenneger has a budget? I thought he just copied Gray Davis's.

What a Tutonic Tool.

Anonymous said...

Damn! That makes me think! What are all the gay porn vendors going to do now that the Republicans are kinda sorta takin' a pass on their Convention?

Hee Hee. OP's comment reminds me of this old job I had. One of my colleagues was PURE German (PURE was very important to her), our other colleague called her the Teutonic Twit.

I hadn't thought about that in a long time.

La Belette Rouge said...

If only it was Michael Palin. Michael looks good in a dress and I feel sure he has more foreign relations than Sara. Perhaps he was on the short list but McCain was afraid of Michael's fancy British accent. You know, all those English sound so smart.

Utah Savage said...

McPalin is someone's idea of a good joke. And it's great fun watching Palin position herself between John and Cindy, and the contrast between Palin who actually looks alive and vital, and john and Cindy who both look embalmed and lobotomized is awesome. I can't wait for the debates. I might do a shot every time John says "My Friends."

Border Explorer said...

Great idea, Utah! Let's make it a virtual party.

pidomon said...

love the button

enc said...

I'm relieved that someone finally did the Michael Palin joke. I love how you did it on the button.

DivaJood said...

I have just shamelessly stolen your McCain/Palin button. I love you!

Dean Wormer said...

Ha! McCain Palin. I'm gonna steal it too. Credit to you of course, Frieda.

Anonymous said...

I thought this post was going to be about those old Arnold rumors - "grabbing Gustav", indeed. Imagine my disappointment.

Jess Wundrun said...

Do you remember that at the 2004 convention Ahnold actually went on and on about how he began to love the republicans during the 1972 election?

Uh, the one where Maria's dad was the veep nominee on the dem side?

DivaJood said...

Dear Ms. Bee, please pick up your award at my place.

dguzman said...

You nailed it on this one, Miss Bee.

GETkristiLOVE said...

I'm waiting for the next dose of spam from that VP candidate.