An Effective Letter to The Editor

Dear Editor,

I'd like to complain. I think I may be bleeding internally. Maybe. I'm not sure. There seems to be a red discharge coming out of my vagina. It may be a symptom of being bitten by a Florida wolf spider. I think I may be dying; I've been holding my breath for the last four hours and I feel a little lightheaded. The best I can figure is that the spider was either afraid of my leg as I was not wearing my usual camouflage, hair, or thought my leg looked tasty (it is) and decided it wanted to eat it. Either way, I'd like to file a complaint. It hurt for, like, 10 seconds. Now there's a maniacal Floridian wolf spider roaming free. What about the children? This sort of thing cannot be tolerated.

And Ed (you don't mind if I call you that, do you?), I was supposed to leave 24 minutes ago to drive up to the DFW area to pick up my baby bees from my in-laws. I did the thing and the thing and I don't want to drive for that long. While it is true that I used to write my best poetry while driving, listing my favorite words from songs on the radio or maybe this time from that Spoon CD, until a theme, phrase, or emotion emerges. I haven't written a poem in months and am feeling lucky. It's probably because I got lucky in a recent dream. My former professor and I fell in love with each other and she and I were naked and I had a penis and I wondered if it was actually gay sex if I penetrated her. I can still feel her naked body on top of mine and I think that I may be a bad person because in my dream her husband had volunteered to be the subject in a huge corporate medical company's secret experiment to attempt to transplant his head onto a new body, I think a cloned one. There was major risk involved, but major advancements to medical technology if the operation was a success. The thing is, it horrified me and I was very worried when I found myself on the floor of the facility with people trying to quickly and carefully move the body to the head at the appropriate time having to step over me because I was annoyingly lying on the floor. I don't know if the surgery went well, but I didn't trip the handlers. In my dream, I told Mr. Bee about my and Dr. C's kissing and he wasn't all that happy, but I was. Will you ask Dear Abby what all this means?

I may or may not be able to post tomorrow, but I will be able to do the following:
Get my cuddle on with some super cute munchkins. √
Watch sports, Matlock or Andy Griffith with my father in-law. √
Eat 99.9 cookies.
(Strawberry shortcake and ice cream)
Have it pointed out to me that my vehicle registration expired and/or √
Be reminded again that the tape over the break lights will have to be replaced by January.
(I overlooked the oil change discussion.)
Take a shower with no water pressure.
Hear what the weather will be like on my drive back two days in advance. √
Assume that my in-laws have a sexless marriage, lest some major cognitive dissonance occur. √
Secretly blame them for the overly-platonic nature of my marriage. √
Remember that my mother just moved six states away from my step-father, though they're not divorcing. √
Wonder if my mom is gay. √
Joke with them about my and their son's upcoming wedding (after 10 years together). (I actually like this one.)
Wash a few dirty clothes I am taking with me.
Make the curtains to cover the closet with the best sewing set-up ever.
Feel bad that I broke my mother in-law's sewing machine.
Notice my skinny six year-old gained some weight at his grandparents' and wonder what I'm doing wrong.
Be late for dinner tonight. √
Crap. √

So, as you can see, it is probably best I get these issues out in the open like this, where no one I know in my 3-D life will read them. Your attention in these matters is appreciated.

Your Loyal SomethingSomethingist,

Freida Bee

(I updated the post to √ things off the list and/ or amend it.)


Anonymous said...

The editor called. He wants to turn this into a column.

Ghost Dansing said...


Comrade Kevin said...

Confession is, stay don't go.

pidomon said...


M.Yu said...

I know a voodoo Brujo medical guy who is good with arachnid stuff if need be

Please keep me updated on your dreams too...
I am curious what Abby says but I have a few theories myself

Swinebread said...


Randal Graves said...

That damn pidomon beat me to it. To put some tasty balm on this pain, can I have that 0.1 cookie?

Spiders, baby!

Utah Savage said...

Great head scarf.
Interesting dream. I wonder what it means.

Spiders=madness according to the late great Ingmar Bergman. Check out that penetrating spider from Through a Glass Darkly. See Freida you are really channeling Karin as played by Harriet Andersson. All problems solved once they put you in an insane asylum. Then Spider=god

Dean Wormer said...

"Crap" is kind of ambiguous.

It could be preceded with "take a..."

or "give a..."

or "full of..."

or followed by "-tastic" or "-adellic."

Get my drift?

okjimm said...

do stop by..... I think something was left for you on my pages.

Damn,.... I would write more but I gotzta take a leak and get another beer.

La Belette Rouge said...

At this very moment my He-weasel is driving away from Austin with all our stuff and I feel a sort of unexpected melancholy. I am so glad that I have your blog as a means of staying connected to the city that held so much projection for me. Thank you for creating in me a positive association to poor innocent Austin. It was not Austin's fault it didn't work out for us.;-)

And, to your post, it is nice to be able to have a list of accomplishments---even if they involve things like "crap".

Mathman6293 said...

So... I have really missed a few pieces while I was gone, to work.

Dr. Zaius said...

Ack! I was recently bitten by a Wheel Bug! The insects are on a rampage...

Freida Bee said...

DCup- You tell the editor I will most certainly be writing him back. He hasn't gotten shit done.

Ghost- Love it.

Comrade- That's so zen.

Pidomon- I am very disappointed to report I saw nary a hide nor hare of Matlock. There was football. Ugggh. When my in-laws were asleep, however, I did discover Reality Bites Back. I don't have cable myself, so it was a fun discovery.

M. Yu- The spider bite was mildly sore for a day is all. I killed a black widow the other day. It is rare for me to do such a thing, but it was in our water meter box thing. This is the second house where I have seen them in that location and this is the second one there. I don't enjoy killing animals. I hope I don't have any bad spider mojo.

On the other. Did you ask me so I'd ask you? Of course, I want to hear your take.

Mine would be very plain: She is a teacher and I am embracing an emotional fulfillment in becoming a teacher. I am bisexual and want to have sex with a woman. I am horny and want to have sex period, and I am not enough with my husband, not to mention I would probably be happier with an open marriage than he would be, but I have made no proimises to monogamy and do not intend to and he knows that. It has simply worked out that I have been 99.9999% monogamous.

Oh, and I'm probably intellectualizing something that has to do with my health. I want a new body (a transformed one), but not to chang my thinking. (On a bigger picture even, would opt for reincarnation if I did not feel I would lose my identity as me (eventually- I'm not suicidal, only existential).)

Swinebread- Dude. (Thanks for visiting. I like to keep it upbeat, you know.)

Randal- I ate it. Sorry. You probably needed it more than I did. I can't watch your YouTube right now. Is it some heavy metal dudes singing an ode to spiders- or The Simpsons? ;)) <= That's my double chin after eating the cookie.

U. Savage- I have watching more of his movies on my list of important things to do. I shall add it to my Netflix today.

Dean- I was trying to keep it that way (ambiguous). Now, the cat's out of the bag. I poop. Thanks. ;)

Ok Jimm. I do appreciate your thinking of me.

La Belette- I am glad you're back in the blogosmophere. I was sad when I discovered you were around the corner and I discovered that too late. I love hate Austin, mostly love it. My favorite is to live a little outside of town mostly, kinda.

Mathman- We have another week before school starts... sadly. I'm glad you made it over.

Dear Dr.- Oh, we have those. Do they bite people too? I hope you doing alright in that locale. I have a hbit of putting clay on bites right away in hopes it can draw out some of the juicinesses. I couldn't really say if it help[s or not, but I think it does, which I think is half the battle.