Thank Gawd It's All Fo Schizzel: Hairdate TMC (Too Much Coffee)

Do not ask me what is motivating me to blog at this ungodly hour, 6:40 AM, but let's not look a gift donkey in the ass. I think my teenage angst is showing. Maybe it's guilt for going to and shopping at IKEA, TX for the first time yesterday. Plus, have you ever had your eyelids licked by a bunny? It's hard to sleep through, not that you should want to. Trust me... unless you then recall catching the bunny eating kitten shit from the litter box the little varmint insists on sharing with him (or her- I haven't stared at bunny genitalia recently (If I get a Google hit from that, that's it, I'm shaving my eyebrows)). I took The Former Future President with me (making it a double sin), as she is a veteran at getting lost in IKEA, TX with her father. At least there was "The Guy Who Has $500" walking around being an ass espousing what a bargain $700 such and suches were and announcing, "I've got $500." My daughter developed a healthy loathing for him as we were apparently in pace with the fella as we made our way through the rat maze.

I must say that in addition to being over-qualified to be a foreign policy expert, if the device of contrast is employed [h/t to The Omnipotent Poohbah (and that's not the meager Omnipotent Poohbah of Punctuation (this is some sort of redundancy is it not, WM (**)))], I am eminently over-qualified to design curtainry for IKEA, TX. I simply wanted some $.99 curtains for our closet doorways, though I was even willing to negotiate, but thought the $1.99 twin sheets in natural cotton ecru were prettier than anything I saw being sold as a curtain and purchased a flat sheet that I'm gonna get all Martha Stewart on (if you donate the money, I will videotape my rolling in the $15 I saved) and embroider. Did I just write that? "Don't thank me, yet," is my catch-phrase with Mr. Bee.

It seems the bug of domesticity hit me this week and when I'm not re-upholstering porch swings and lounging in hot tubs, I am getting back on the coffee sauce and untangling balls of yarn and What Not To Wearing it up with The Former Future President. That's true. In the interest of de-clutterization, I thought it best to get rid of a few items that I hadn't worn in the last six years. Face it, the thyroid surgery's coinciding with the post-pregnancy weight cannot be undone and can no longer be denied. I'm trying some of that Secret mojo on the whole deal (I swear I don't know what it really is, but I am versed in affirmations well enough to know that I think it means this) and am letting go of the old, so that the new can move right in now that I've found a material source for my future moo-moos by way of cotton sheets Made in Sweden™ in IKEA, TX. Prompted by a new dresser my in-laws gave us, in addition to the utterly excessive "Brew Station," I have gone batshit crazy moving guano around. In order for Bravo not to sue me, I cannot post the home improvement pics right now (ok, I'm lazy, but just believe we me, the improvement is awesome- or, at least noticeable).

The Former Future President was so unspeakably bored in her final days of grounding that she helped me by sorting my clothing and shoes into three stacks: One, the approval stack; Three, the disapproval stack; And, Two, the stack of disapproval that I contested. Interestingly, the piles were a pretty even mix. I was ready for this. We negotiated that I got to keep half of the contested pile and that was that. My closet is much lighter and my clothes fit into the new dresser and no one was hurt in the process. I did come back to her later, after I'd been bagging the clothes to be donated, and insisted on a swap out of about three items that she'd selected for me to keep for ones that I was set to give away. The only thing I have missed so far is the old holy t-shirt I was going to wear to bed last night until I discovered it among the casualties, but I just raided Mr. Bee's drawer, mostly because I was too lazy to fish it out of the bags which are now on the staging ground between my room and the carport, aka the porch. As far as the hairdate goes, perhaps some uninterestingly intimate pics shall be divulged at a later date, but for now just take my word for it that my current haircut would look remarkably like Katie Holmes' new do if Carrot Top were her stylist.

I was so uncomfortable with a four-paragraph essay that I have added this fifth paragraph to decrease the teenage angst, to increase my SAT score, and to pose all the important questions: Did you know IKEA, TX has its own restaurant and probably zip code? Did you know that bunnies are nocturnal and that once they are acclimated to their environments, they eat them? Did you know I don't like raisins? Did you know that when I was 6, my neighbor and I had matching white, bell-bottomed, polyester jumpsuits with colorful polka dots on them? Did you know that Carl Jung usually considered the astrological charts of his therapy clients? Did you know it wasn't really butter? Did you know that Texas Mountain Laurels smell like grape soda? Did you know that it is best not to inquire of the lady with the purple eye shadow at the Popeye's drive-thru if the mashed potatoes are instant and contain bacon? Did you know that thrift store clothes stink until you wash them? Did you know that pumpkin pies that accidentally contain too much salt rather than too much white sugar taste nasty? Did you know Mr. Bee's dad is 6"6' and tries to imply that Mr. Bee is short at 6"2'? Did you know that it will ruin your lefty blog cred to admit that you watched So You Think You Can Dance, even if it's because you have a fake crush on Twitch? Did you know that it says in the Bible that when your tongue is tired when oral sexing your woman that sucking will give it a little break until you can get back to it? (I think Jesus said that.) Did you know the HEB at Congress and Oltorf was out of carob almonds? (Why didn't you tell me?) Did you know that if you save a stack of bills and wait 6 months, you can just throw it away? Did you know that if you teach your 15 year-old daughter to drive in your country neighborhood, the most dangerous part is not where she sideswipes the van on trees in the driveway, but rather the part where she almost careens into the 30-foot ditch? Did you know that going to war is not conducive to peace? Did you know that killing people to teach that killing is wrong is hypocritical? Did you know that I could go on and on with this shit? Did you know that if you saturate fabric that is blood-stained with hydrogen peroxide before you do anything else to it, the stain will then wash out with a normal washing? Did you know that those green corduroy pants that sat in my closet for two years would make the best cut-offs ever? Did you know that if you give your daughter-in-law a bulk box of country gravy, she will think you are trying to kill her? Did you know that I would rather do this than go to the laundry mat? Did you know that if you read The Velveteen Rabbit as a child, you will be thrilled when a bunny snuggles in bed with you when you are almost (but, not too close to) 40? Did you know that if you tell your children that there are no such things as "bad" words (or "bad" fingers for that matter), they will have no qualms about using them. Did you know that if you wash your child's mouth out with soap for cussing, she will only have a secret blog that she will not tell you about. Did you know that there comes a point when all good things must come to an end? (I'm not sure whether I believe that or not, but that is neither there nor here when I'm hungry).

Actually, maybe 6 paragraphs will defy convention just enough to boost my SAT score another 2 points because those who judge will think I think outside the proverbial box, I think.


La Belette Rouge said...

Wow!! Next time just start out with the "did you know" paragraph and your SAT points will go up---but not your chances of finding good things at Ikea, TX. Did I you know that I knew a lot of things that you asked about and that I too have a rabbit due to the Velveteen Rabbit. Did you know I would happily read paragraph 6?

Randal Graves said...

Did you know that the 15 bucks is in the mail?

Did you know that I have nothing else 'cause I'm busy rereading because I'm sure you put some kind of secret recipe for braised rabbit in code?

Anonymous said...

I don't know what I'd do without these missives. I really don't.

Comrade Kevin said...

Did you know that I've formed a society for the preservation of rhetorical questions?

enc said...

I didn't know any of that stuff!

Anonymous said...

I think all of the other commenters have missed the truly scandalous admission hidden in this essay. To wit: the fact that you're a hater. A raisin hater, to be specific. Color me shocked.

Dean Wormer said...

Bah. 32 is NOT close to 40.

Liberality said...

and what is the special brew that is giving you such super powers to move guano about? is it a special bean I have yet to try? I need these super powers you speak of, yes indeedy.

Tengrain said...

I knew.



Ghost Dansing said...

the velveteen rabbit.....

Utah Savage said...

Now I'm out of breath and scared. But really glad I now know how to get blood out of fabric with hydrogen peroxide before tossing it into the regular wash. I'm sure there will be blood sometime, and I'll need that tip.

Freida Bee said...

La Belette- Did you know I miss your presence in Austin, even though it was never made tangible to me? And, did you know I am glad you are back to blogging and commenting? I hope you did.

Randal- Did you know you may be sorry for sending the $15? Did you know it will only feed IKEA, TX which will have dire consequences? Now, something I did not know until recently. Two old friends of mine I haven't seen in a long time are raising rabbits for eatin.' You'll have to ask them for a recipe.

DCup- Just between you and me, I don't want to answer you with a "did you know..." deal. But, did you know I would be sad if thta weren't true and I feel the same way about your posts. Did you know you keep me a little saner?

Comrade- Well, they are in no short supply here. If you are running low, would you be a dear and be sure to request more?

ENC- Yes, you seem a little young to know my jaded ways, little grasshoppa.

Lass- Alas, you have discovered my secret! I shall never make the mistake of speaking of... uh. Crap, I can't think of any other foods I dislike. I am a bad person. I'm sorry raisins.

Dean- Do you think I'm 32 or are you shitting me? Either way, you're cute.

Liberality- If I were in any sort of control of the deal, I would not have all this teenage angst.


I knew you knew.



Ghost- Thank you so much.

Utah- It's OK, Utah. Just repeat after the dancing little blue pill in my more recent post.

I'm glad you know about the hydrogen peroxide and the blood. I learned it from a midwife who tended home births that I apprenticed with. She miraculously delivers new babies and clean sheets. (P.S.- The sooner and more amply the hydrogen peroxide is applied, the more effective it is. I hope you get to (but only in positive blood experiences.... uh) experience the bubbliness.)

Dr. Zaius said...

Don't think outside the box! There is a toy surpize at the bottom. :o)