CatVac™ is a device that looks like a hairdryer with one of those comb-like attachments that actually sucks fleas off instead. I would never admit that perhaps the idea occurred to me when I was considering vacuuming our kitten with our new vacuum. I would never actually try it, even just a little on the top of the head with the super narrow attachment even if it was just for a millisecond. Nope. Anyway, someone needs to invent one of these, 'cause it's silly to wash a cat with water when they have those fancy tongues and all.Oh no, I was beginning to relax. Gotta speed it up here. After fucking around, I've got to drop The Lip Model off at the laundry mat, help her start the clothes, go pick up the Former Future President and her pal, a couple things and a couple things, including pizzas and movies, go back and pick up The Lip Model and take her to her boyfriend's house and be back home before The Genius and Snaggletooth (who lost another tooth- Awwww) burn down the house. Yes, I have taken to leaving them home with my cell phone (when I am with my daughters and their phones for small jaunts). My justification is that it is safer than my driving them around talking on my cell phone. Seriously. Seriously. Stay in the house, don't try to cut your ropes and watch tv and you'll be just fine. Don't mention this to a soul and the tooth fairy will be just fine.
Pre-Ringed Wranglers™ are disgusting, but there's probably a market for rednecks who dip to buy their Wranglers with the Skoal can ring in the pocket already, kinda like stone-washed or pseudo-holey poser jeans. Comes in two orientations, left pocket or right. (Don't ask me what they mean.)
It's just another way I'm a bad mom and a lousy wife, I know, but I really need to go out and buy new aprons though. How can I cook meatloaf without them? I also need to go pick up some new hair rollers and cunt douche or else how am I going to wake up in time to make bacon and eggs and and lay back and take it before Mr. Bee rushes off to make money for me to buy aprons? You see the dilemma I'm in, I'm sure.
I discovered in my browser's history last night that The Lip Model viewed my blog for 25 minutes and the world did not implode. Ha, I just heard The Genius ask in the living room, "Did Mommy leave already?" See, they can't even tell if I'm here or not, except when I am futilely asking them to do chores. "That should teach you not to ask me for something to eat, 'cause if I'm gonna cook, someone's going to have to help me unload the dishwasher, scoop out the catbox, bring up the trash can from the end of driveway which is a mile long. Hmmm, now that I'm looking at you, I am noticing you haven't showered in a week. School starts in a week and you should really shower before that, you know. Yes, ok, ok, you can just go jump on the trampoline with the sprinkler raining down on you, but only for a little bit, 'cause when I finish this post, I'm going to go get some stuff done. Seriously. Seriously.
So, you see my dilemma, I'm sure. It's that I'm lazy and my motivation is all purely extrinsic and superficial. Can't we just sleep on dirty sheets another day? Oh yea, I had the laundry sitting on the front porch when it rained yesterday and I'd better go wash it, or it will mildew. Oh, wait, this is one of those Damn, That's Sexy posts, isn't it?
I was going to make it a Two Great Tastes That Taste Nasty Together, but I couldn't find anything... because I didn't look. Ok, I'll look. Here.
Bill Cosby covers The Beatles' Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
Jim Carrey covers The Beatles' I Am The Walrus
Actually, that second one confuses me. Ok, now I gotta go, 'cause I'm in trouble. The bra police just showed up and said my boobs aren't pointy enough. Arrgghghgh.