8/19/08

Two Great Tastes Taste Nasty Together and a Thing and a Thing

Quick, quick, quick. I know Utah's gonna think I'm in a manic upswing, (the whole state, yes) when I talk like this, but I must or I won't get anything done, particularly when I've come here with nothing particular in mind. I have two good million dollar ideas, free for the taking, but am just not in the mood to set it up as such...
CatVac™ is a device that looks like a hairdryer with one of those comb-like attachments that actually sucks fleas off instead. I would never admit that perhaps the idea occurred to me when I was considering vacuuming our kitten with our new vacuum. I would never actually try it, even just a little on the top of the head with the super narrow attachment even if it was just for a millisecond. Nope. Anyway, someone needs to invent one of these, 'cause it's silly to wash a cat with water when they have those fancy tongues and all.

Pre-Ringed Wranglers™ are disgusting, but there's probably a market for rednecks who dip to buy their Wranglers with the Skoal can ring in the pocket already, kinda like stone-washed or pseudo-holey poser jeans. Comes in two orientations, left pocket or right. (Don't ask me what they mean.)
Oh no, I was beginning to relax. Gotta speed it up here. After fucking around, I've got to drop The Lip Model off at the laundry mat, help her start the clothes, go pick up the Former Future President and her pal, a couple things and a couple things, including pizzas and movies, go back and pick up The Lip Model and take her to her boyfriend's house and be back home before The Genius and Snaggletooth (who lost another tooth- Awwww) burn down the house. Yes, I have taken to leaving them home with my cell phone (when I am with my daughters and their phones for small jaunts). My justification is that it is safer than my driving them around talking on my cell phone. Seriously. Seriously. Stay in the house, don't try to cut your ropes and watch tv and you'll be just fine. Don't mention this to a soul and the tooth fairy will be just fine.

It's just another way I'm a bad mom and a lousy wife, I know, but I really need to go out and buy new aprons though. How can I cook meatloaf without them? I also need to go pick up some new hair rollers and cunt douche or else how am I going to wake up in time to make bacon and eggs and and lay back and take it before Mr. Bee rushes off to make money for me to buy aprons? You see the dilemma I'm in, I'm sure.

I discovered in my browser's history last night that The Lip Model viewed my blog for 25 minutes and the world did not implode. Ha, I just heard The Genius ask in the living room, "Did Mommy leave already?" See, they can't even tell if I'm here or not, except when I am futilely asking them to do chores. "That should teach you not to ask me for something to eat, 'cause if I'm gonna cook, someone's going to have to help me unload the dishwasher, scoop out the catbox, bring up the trash can from the end of driveway which is a mile long. Hmmm, now that I'm looking at you, I am noticing you haven't showered in a week. School starts in a week and you should really shower before that, you know. Yes, ok, ok, you can just go jump on the trampoline with the sprinkler raining down on you, but only for a little bit, 'cause when I finish this post, I'm going to go get some stuff done. Seriously. Seriously.

So, you see my dilemma, I'm sure. It's that I'm lazy and my motivation is all purely extrinsic and superficial. Can't we just sleep on dirty sheets another day? Oh yea, I had the laundry sitting on the front porch when it rained yesterday and I'd better go wash it, or it will mildew. Oh, wait, this is one of those Damn, That's Sexy posts, isn't it?

I was going to make it a Two Great Tastes That Taste Nasty Together, but I couldn't find anything... because I didn't look. Ok, I'll look. Here.


Bill Cosby covers The Beatles' Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band



Jim Carrey covers The Beatles' I Am The Walrus

Actually, that second one confuses me. Ok, now I gotta go, 'cause I'm in trouble. The bra police just showed up and said my boobs aren't pointy enough. Arrgghghgh.

17 comments:

Comrade Kevin said...

Heh. I went to college with a girl who wrapped her cats in duct tape and then rudely ripped it off when it came time for them to shed.

But that's not animal cruelty™ is it?

As for the pre-ringed Wranglers, I heartily agree.

La Belette Rouge said...

My He-weasel got a home cat grooming kit and Inks was not excited about the idea so He-weasle tried it on himself to show Inkey that it was safe. My husband was left with such a bad haircut that he slept in a baseball cap for several weeks just so I wouldn't laugh at him.

DCup said...

I vacuum our oldest cat. She's come to expect it.

But I just use the regular vacuum which needs to be replaced.

Maybe all that cat hair is why. Hmmmm.

I'll mail you an apron. With ruffles. And lace.

pidomon said...

i dont vacuum bit Im confident you beat the wrap with the bra police!

Mathman6293 said...

Along with the vacuum, the pussies' vet says , they need a pussy water fountain.

Dr. Zaius said...

"A performance of the song by actor and comedian Jim Carrey appears on George Martin's 1998 album In My Life. At the end of his version, he cries, 'There, I did it! I've defiled a timeless piece of art! For my next trick I'll paint a clown face on the Mona Lisa, while using the Shroud of Turin as a drop cloth!'" Wikipedia

Randal Graves said...

Do that many people use the Skoal? I don't hang out with a lot of Nascar fans, though many seem to drive though town. I've always wondered if that '3' decal is a factory option.

This post, like Dale Earnhardt, intimidates me.

Angry Ballerina said...

I like the CatVac. I want one. Can I use it on myself?

Liberality said...

damn woman, damn! such honesty. I am impressed. and no, you can't vacuum the cat but you can pet your pussy.

F.O.T. said...

Freida!!!!

Gawd, I hope the bra police don't come after me?

Anonymous said...

I must put to rest, once and for all, the notion that some detractors have that Barak Obama is not patriotic. Here is a video clip of him showing proper respect for the flag during the Singing of the Star Spangled Banner: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hU9iCANi02o&eurl=http://creatingorwellianworld-view-alaphiah.blogspot.com .

Notice the look of Ecstasy in Obama’s eyes. Most women recognize this look as the one their spouse has when they take of their bras behind a locked bedroom door. Notice also the position of Obama’s hands over his heart. The other candidates can’t seem to find their hearts, but Obama certainly finds his. Notice also the way Obama stands, shifting his weight around. He is fully aware of his state of arousal and is taking precautions to avoid letting the crowd see him wet his pants. Patriotism like this I have not seen in a Century!

Dean Wormer said...

I could've been the Walrus but I still would've had to have my mom give me a ride to the mall.

thelass said...

Hey, aren't you that woman who was in that play about buying bacon?

Bradda said...

Pre-ringed jeans!?! I'm proud to be an amuurrican! sniff...

Je ne regrette rien said...

why oh WHY have I never been here before? *remonstrates, tears hair and laughs like a hyena* and if I have, why oh WHY can't I remember?

DivaJood said...

Oh.my.god. This is one of the funniest posts I have ever read. And, to quote jnrr, why oh WHY have I never been here before.

You are going on my blog roll.

mark hoback said...

Jim Carrey scared the bejesus out of me.