10/12/08

Say It Ain't So, Jesse Jim!

Ah don' really wanna be writin' this, but mah famly did a invention on me an' said ah's gots ta change mah ways. After ah gots fired from mah job a' Hooters, ah knows ah was lost. It's jes' tha' when ah's doin' meth, ah cain't ne'er seems to open mah channel wit' Jesus an' ah's pretty sure tha's why God punished me wit' gettin' caught stealin' from they's tip jar. Now, Mamma, she says she's gonna keep Ray Jean a' she's house so's she an' Reverend Dean can keep they's eye on 'er an' home school her with tha Bible "like they shoulda done wit' me" 'til ah cuts back on tha Jim Beam. It really ain' no big deal though, 'cause mah unaployment done runned out an' ah's hadta been drinkin' them boxes a wine these day no how.

Tha' good thing tha's been goin' on wit' me is tha' me an' Carl Wayne gots back t'gether and ah thin' he may even wanna move in wit' me iffin' Becky Rea 'cides ta marry Bobby Dale 'gain. Ta get Mamma off mah's back, ah's started goin' back on o'er ta tha Sundy night "Live An' Let Live" meetin's o'er a' tha church. Plus it's been a year 'bout now since Jesse Jim died an' ah got's ta face mah pas' like he was always tellin' me. It's been okay there without him, but some a they's soccer mom's is kinda stucked up an' ah gets tired a they's judgin' me wit' they's money an' they's talkin' 'bout they's problems wit' they's husbands an' they's kids. An' then when ah s'gested they jes' need ta spank some sense inta they's kids, they done looked at me like ah's skinnin' a coon right there in tha meetin'. Ah come ta think they's jes' some people ain't ne'er gona change they's ways an' they's always jes' gonna piss me off an' ah jes' better get used to it.

Ah was thinkin' 'bout Jesse Jim t'day on account a he was mah first sponsor an' he's tha one who told me ah's s'posed ta write mah grievances in mah diary when ah wan' tha Lord ta be near me an' tha's why ah e'er e'en started this here diary in tha firs' place. He had he's way wit' womens, tha's fer sure. Ah thin' tha's why ah wanted ta fuck him a' first, but after a while, ah started thinkin' he was kinda cute. He was in he's first 30 days too, an' jes' drinking wine an' cuttin' back on tha meth weren't e'en been so bad wit' him back then.

This mornin', 'cause it's mah visitin' day wit' Ray Jean, ah was thinkin' 'bout Jesse Jim when Bobby Dale took her an' me on o'er to tha state fair an' we got us we's armbands an' we's coolers an' we made us a day outta it. He was real good-like when Ray Jean wandered off fer them 3 hours 'bout keepin' he's eye out fer her an' sure 'nuff right after we was done wit' we's fuckin' 'hind tha funnel cake stand, Bobby Dale spotted her holdin' hands wit' tha guy Nikki Kim done d'vorced las' year an' gave her a spankin' all daddy-like ta teach her she's lesson. It were so sweet ah e'en got some a them goose pimples on mah arm jes' now thinkin' 'bout it.

Ah's thinkin' e'erythin's goin' so perfect t'day 'til Bobby Dale dropped me an' Ray Jean back off o'er at tha house an' me an' Carl Wayne gots into it when he done started he's usual shit he starts wit' mah's boyfriends an' then Bobby Dale said he don' wanna see me no more. Ah tried sayin' tha senility prayer ta Jesus, but ah di'nt hear no words this time. Tha's when ah 'cided, "Fuck it" an' went off an' snuck me some a Mamma's meth, got mah rifle an' took off ta go huntin' ta clear mah mind.

Down a' tha bottoms ah was recollectin' tha las' time ah' was there. It were tha day ah saw Sarah Louise gearin' up she's feed ta shoot she's family some deer meat while's they was stayin' a' she's daddy's cabin fer they's vacationin'. She been all o'er tha' news these days runnin' fer pres'dent or some such nonsense. Mamma use ta say, "Tha' girl's too big fer she's britches," an' ah's always 'greed. When she stol' ol' Todd from me tha' summer after high school an' got him to move on up ta bumfuck Alaska ta work on she's daddy's fishin' boat, ah 'cided ah's gonna pay 'er back iffin' it's tha las' thin' ah e'er do, but killin' Jesse Jim weren't what ah was meanin'. Ah had long afore bit tha' bullet an' wen' on o'er an' slept wit' she's daddy one summer when he was stayin' in they's cabin o'er on Jumpy Hill.

Ah weren' e'en thinkin' 'bout all tha' mess though 'til ah saw 'er on tha' Saturday Night Live las' week. It made me think 'bout tha' day las' year when Jesse Jim died. When ah saw 'er tha' day ah weren't feelin' too sore an' was e'ev thinkin' 'bout fergivin' her 'til ah saw Jesse Jim steps he's self outta tha' porta potty an' on o'er ta where she were standin' an' gives her a big ol' kiss afore he saw ah was standin' right there. He said he di'nt want no words wit' me and when they was walkin' off, ah got 'em good. Ah yelled, "Sarah Lou, ah done sleeped wit' you's daddy. How da you like that?" Fer once in she's life, she di'nt have no words, so's ah yelled on ta Jesse Jim, "Ah got's you's baby in me, honey. You's gonna be mah baby daddy." Ah was feelin' all goodlike 'til he hollered back, "Tha's okay, 'cause ah done knocked up Sarah first an' she's gonna be havin' mah baby too an' she gonna leave Todd an' we's gonna be famous an' rich an' there ain' nuthin' you gonna do ta stop it, Florence Joe." Well, ah had tears in mah ah's fer sure, but ah's a good Christian an' ah gived him one more chance like ah though' Jesus woulda done 'fore ah pulled tha trigger a mah rifle. "Say it ain' so, Jesse Jim! Say it ain' so, or ah's gonna shoot!" He missed he's chance is all's ah can say 'ccordin' to mah 'ttorney, but ah'll be doggoned if tha charges weren' dropped an' tha' slut Sarah di'nt sent me a card ta let me know tha' she done named she's baby "Trig" in honor a what ah done fer her.


(h/t to M. Yu for the pic of Ray Jean in she's homeschoolin'.)

12 comments:

Ghost Dansing said...

copperhead road

M.Yu said...

Good to hear from you Flo Jo. Ah I missed yeh a ton.

I think Sarah Lou needs a spankin' all Daddy-like too. It's the only way she'll behave...

A baby named Trig... just cuz of you.. that's an honor!

Karlo said...

Hilarious picture, hilarious post. But after seeing the guy in back, you've picked up a PG rating.

enc said...

Haw haw!

Utah Savage said...

Florence Jo, why din't ya kilt her when ya hat da chance, honey? Yew coulda been on ta Satidy Night Live, not her. Now jist cause a yew, she mighta be our next presnet. Sheesh.

Comrade Kevin said...

Ah was wonderin' when you was gonna rite about Miz Florence Jo again.

Yup, I was headed over yonder tuh ask m'self.

Übermilf said...

What language is this again? Babelfish was of absolutely no help.

Randal Graves said...

I think it's written in code.

dguzman said...

Carl Wayne's MAH man, beeyitch!

Liberality said...

I just caint understand her at all to be honest.

Utah Savage said...

Flo Joe, I gave yew a prize. Come see. I'm not kidding.

Bubs said...

You tell Flo we gone and included her in our prayer support group. I worry about that girl, but she seems plucky enough.