12/20/08

The One in Which I Attempt to Appease The Wrath of Baby Jesus

Hello, Love. I've missed you. You know, 'tis the fuck-a-day season and I've been gettin' in the mood. When I finally got my tires patched on Thursday, I thought Elvis muttered under his breath, "How about a kiss for the holidays?" and I just kinda laughed until I saw his reaction, put two and two together and asked him what he said. "How about a tip for the holidays." "Uh, sure." I pulled out the two bills in my pocket. A one and a ten. He got lucky; he caught my scroogey ass off guard.

So, we went on home, all stocked up on groceries, bicycles for each kid purchased. If you want something else, you're gonna have to make it. And they did. Tomorrow, I will show you the most beautiful Chrismas tree you've ever seen. It's 100% home and kid-made and it really is stunning. The Future President wanted nothing to do with the saw we couldn't find after she saw the axe. That poor cedar tree never knew what hit it. I convinced her to only kill half of a tree that was near our driveway, but I'm not sure if that was crueler than kind or not. It will likely miss its better half. I think Baby Jesus™ will be mad that's what we got him for his birthday. I fear Baby Jesus™'s wrath.

I used Craig's List™ for the first time, and not even to have an affair. I bought two cool vintage bikes for my daughters from a guy who fixes up olde bikes in his garage while his son plays nearby. I bought Mr. Bee a used sci-fi series I'm 83.3% sure he's never read from Half-Price Books™, and bought bike locks and helmets for the kids. They might get some cash, there are a few books, a Batman Lego Nintendo DS™ game and then I went and spoiled it all. I went to Wal-Mart™. I hadn't been there in over a year, and I had made a vow to Baby Jesus™. Dogma™ as it may be, I made a vow. I think that is him I see crying tears from heaven, right now. I think tonight he's going to make Hell™ freeze over. Boy, is he pissed!

But, after eating only sides at The Salt Lick™ with a roomful of Republicans™ and the woman who's in love with Mr. Bee, trying to get my Baby Bee's to stop spitting spitwads at the nice policeman who left "The Force™" (I think he was a storm trooper.) to work in construction, but is going back to it, all with only The Future President's beautiful sanity to keep me company, she and I decided to stop at the Wal-Mart™ in Taylor to try and find bicycle helmets for her and The Lip Model, after two other stops that day had proven fruitless. Oh, and spray paint- she wanted to spray paint the vintage bike silver. It was the biggest Wal-Mart™ I've ever seen. We found what we needed, grappled with the urge to buy all the stuff The Genius might like, but not really and in the end were wise and only also bought recycled yarn, so that I could crochet TFP two very soft scarves, one charcoal, one cream. I actually felt good coming out of Wal-Mart™ and, for that, I still feel kinda dirty (and I'm not talking about it being in that very special "I-probably-just-exposed-myself-to-The-Bird-Flu- in-the-Bathroom™" kinda way).

Well, it's time for me to go appease Baby Jesus™ by crocheting him a baby blanket made out of yarn containing recycled plastic bottles. I hear saviors don't need to worry about toxins in the liver. In fact, I think it increases their Super Powers™.

Goodbye, Love.
-FCB

6 comments:

Utah Savage said...

What have I been wasting my time on that I haven't been here? Oh, just being my usual xmas crazy and hunkered down list someone cheerful come knock the door. At which point I might pretend to be a blowup doll flopped over with a pot pipe in her mouth watching old recorded episodes of Deadwood and mouthing the words along with Trixy and Swearengen while I drop ash on the filthy floor. Modern Shakespeare to my addled mind. But who am I kidding? Knock on my door? Not a fucking chance.

Anonymous said...

No wait. How in the hell did I miss this on Thursday?

I'm concerned that you're tempting the baby J's wrath by making the Lip Model wear a bicycle helmet in the first place!

Did I get the right?

Really? The SaltLick? I can't tell Resident Evil about that or she'll be begging for trip to TX.

Freida of the Bees said...

DCup- Oh, now I get what Utah was referring to. I put that pic in a post Thur. that I didn't write until today and it published with Thursday's date, so I just corrected it to today's. You were up on the latest breaking news. Don't worry your pretty head about that. You have more important fish to fry like getting your and Resident Evil's asses down here to go to The Salt Lick. (Since I included R.E. in my comment, I will forgo any sexual innuendo, which naturally lends itself to the sentence I just wrote.)

Utah- Don't tempt me with that sexy talk, lady. I am trying to fathom exactly what sort of knock on my door would be welcome. I'm figuring the same one would be welcome by you. Cheery is out of the question. I'm thinking sneaking in while you're gone and jumping out with a surprise might be the way to go. Once I gave you mouth to mouth, you would be relieved that I was there to watch Deadwood with you. I'm a Deadwood virgin.

Bubs said...

You have already done whatever penance you might have needed by eating "only sides" at the Salt Lick. If I lived driving distance from a place like that I'd weigh 300 pounds.

Randal Graves said...

This isn't the Baby Jesus you're looking for.

"This isn't the Baby Jesus we're looking for."

'cause there's a few of them. Just make sure you didn't piss off the wrong one, the one that's like that crazy creature from Alien.

Blueberry said...

Maybe the Baby Jesus (tm) would prefer a cross stitch.

Most of the Baby Jesus's (tm) that I've seen are made of plastic anyway, so he will feel right at home in that blanket.