25 Ways to Coddle Your Man (and Earn His Appreciation)

Inspired by Lisa's post, and the great comments which followed, she and I have created a list of our own. In the spirit of feminism, this is a list by women for women. (Of course, men, you can use this list to gauge how satisfied you should be with your woman.)

25 Ways to Coddle Your Man (and Earn his Appreciation):

1. When your man spends six hours grilling meat for dinner (that you make the sides for, set the table for, and clean up after), be sure to thank him for making dinner by rewarding him later with a blow job (with a little barbecue sauce on the side, of course).

2. Never poop, never indicate that you poop, take great pains to cover up the fact that you produce and expel solid waste, even if it means you have to leave the house to go to a public place to do your business when he is at home. (Alternately, you could break something on purpose, so he must go to Home Depot, and then you can poo while he's away.)

3. Hide all feminine hygiene products, both used and unused. Make sure to double wrap any used products and take the further step of burying them deeply in the trash, so he won’t accidentally see them when he empties the trash.

4. There is no question that a woman must douche, preferably twice, after having her period. Nothing good will come of reminding him that you have bodily functions.

5. After having children, consider vaginal rejuvenation.

6. Make him feel like you're new again by occasionally purchasing and using the artificial hymen. If he's squeamish about blood, you may want to do this only in the dark. Don't forget to make the appropriate “first time” sounds.

7. Be sure to use the "skills" other men have taught you, taking special care not to mention where you might have learned them.

8. Don't expect him to read your mind. The onus is on you to leave clues and drop hints so that he knows what you want. By no means, state it directly. No matter how much he asks for it, don't tell him directly.

9. Be sure to leave the toilet seat up. Why should he have to lift the seat? You're the one who sits on it.

10. If you really want to know what your man wants sexually, snooping is required. You should check his computer's recent history and search his porn stash. He'll thank you later.

11. When faking orgasm, be sure to call out his name, not the name of your last boyfriend. (Using a foreign accent is a bonus!)

12. You'll know your man is satisfied when you hear him snoring softly. Before that, there's no way to be sure.

13. When your man goes to sleep right after sex, be sure to tell him that you are pleased by this, because it shows that you've done a good job.

14. When dressing for an evening out with him and his friends, it's important to dress in a revealing way, so that his friends will envy him for getting to sleep with you. Just let him decide what is too revealing.

15. If you want to cuddle, buy yourself a stuffed animal or a dog. Cats may be nice to have around, but they like cuddling almost as much as men do.

16. Never use the following words: snuggle, cuddle, tampon, period, vagina, baby, or marriage.

17. Never criticize his mother. She was his first love, after all. And never question her judgment.

18. When your husband has his buddies over to watch sports, dress nicely to make him proud. He will reward you in his own way, for such an obvious show of affection.

19. Please ladies, when your man is “in the mood” avoid mundane topics, like bills, children, work, or your emotional needs, for instance. After he wakes up, he will be far more receptive to (and perceptive of) your indicative clues.

20. “Not being in the mood” is no excuse. Period.

21. Men love massages after a hard day at work. Enough said.

22. Listening to your girlfriends will get you in trouble. They want more of your time too, and they are no doubt jealous that you’ve landed a man. Besides his mother, there is no woman whose advice you can trust when it comes to your man.

23. Let him pick the restaurant. You get to select what he eats every other evening, since you go to the grocery store and make dinner. You need to avoid being overbearing, at all costs, and this is a great way to show your flexibility. (Letting him choose your entrè as well may be the perfect recipe for getting yourself a mouth-watering dessert!)

24. If you’re not attached, this list may be painful to read, as you’ve no doubt got a lot of love to give. Try spending a game day at a sports bar to land yourself a great catch!

25. Lastly, and not leastly, when you’ve got a man who will put up with you, NEVER LET HIM GO!


Lisa said...

Oh dear. The chicks at FluffPo are on to us.

BTW - this collaboration on the list was a scream I do believe MathMan enjoyed listening to us hooting it up as well.

Move to Georgia when you start looking for a job (she whined).

pidomon said...

I'm not sure the blogosphere will survive you two collaborating LOL.

And if only someone in my neck of the woods would have read #24 she could be lifting my toilet seat right now!

Bob said...

Is that what the kids are calling it now, pido?

Frightening list there, Freida. :)

Joe said...

I showed this to my wife, and she said something about it being satirical. That's not true, right? I mean, it's all so spot-on.

Linda-Sama said...

#25 -- yeah, but he gets damn boring after awhile.

Liberality said...

and you forgot to mention about farting being an absolute no-no too, along with never having to go poo.

Romius T. said...

Wait a minute. that was satire? it seemed a lot like a breath of fresh air. I mean lets be honest all those lists men are suppoesed to do read just like that for us. about time you ladies saw fit to think about us once and a while again. YOur moms used to... and they kept a man for 30 years....just sayin...

FranIAm said...

I am still stuck on artificial hymen.

Where the fuck was this when I needed it 25 years ago???

Anonymous said...

You and Lisa are now my goddesses and if you tell me to jump off a cliff (wearing heels, of course), I'm gonna.

Anonymous said...

Another one:

Men have one and only one erogenous zone. Do whatever you like with it but don't go trying to be all fancy with feathers--unless you use the feathers in the one erogenous zone.

ooo! And yet another one, Dennis Prager-style:

Men have orgasms during sex, women do not--they have them on payday so just quit making him do all that work for nothing.

Kulkuri said...

Satire?? What satire, I don't see any satire, you see any satire??

Comrade Kevin said...

Funny. No one's ever coddled me before.

But then again, I guess I've never qualified as the typical beer-guzzling, crotch-scratching, emotionally retarded male.

You can hide your feminine hygiene products over here, Freida, but remember that the vagina is a self-cleaning organ and no douching is necessary.

M.Yu said...

Satire? Common sense? Penetrating insight?
Salable advice column material? All of these and more.

I agree that this collaboration could mark the beginning of something dark, very dark...

Bring it on I say!

Utah Savage said...

I think it's time for you two to start a magazine for women called, "The Perfect Lover." We so need this important advise. It might have prevented all my marriages. So helpful to know what marriage will be like and that knowledge could save many a woman from the embarrassment of having to poo at home. If I had known the no pooing rule, I'd have never tried marriage. I'm pretty sure the pooing thing is what ruined my perfect relationships. That and retaliatory farting.

travelingman said...

I grew up with THREE women. As a young boy I told them that if they left the toilet seat down that they should not be surprised to find pee on it. It worked for me. I am a guy, why should I have to put the seat down?

Steve Emery said...

This was very educational, ladies. I loved it. It made me gag a few times, though - I must admit.

If I had continued to date the absolutely wrong girls after high school, I might be able to write a similar list from the male perspective. I'm thankful I wouldn't really know how except from hearsay.

And I'd have to defer to MLight on how well I'm doing at looking nothing like this list. I would be shamed to think I resembled more than one or two of these in passing. She's done a far better job than that...

Jaliya said...

The mind boggles! I have been reading the wrong magazines! ;-D

Utah ... About the "retaliatory farting." heh -- that's one thing that keeps my marriage going! My man is a champion farter and since I grew up around boys, I always thought that farts were hiarious and somehow ... heroic ... (Five years in therapy for that, eh?)

So now my husband blasts when he blasts and I double over laughing. I can't help myself. We both end up giggling ourselves senseless (as long as he hasn't done it under the covers).

My switcheroo on #25 (listen up, boys) "...If you've got a woman who will put up with you, CLEAN THE DAMN TOILET ONCE IN A WHILE, EH?"

Karen Zipdrive said...

That you for affirming my queerness.

themom said...

Damn...now I have to clean up my act and go find me a MAN...just to implement the new routines. Thx gals.

darkblack said...

'Be sure to use the "skills" other men have taught you'

When he finds out how you learned to drain and regear a Borg-Warner T10, there's a-gonna be a reckonin', child.


Randal Graves said...

I don't get #18. I know how insufferable I can be watching the Browns fuck up yet again, why the hell would I want that compounded?

Well, off to do some laundry.