Feeling Soooo Ms. Understood

I have been having the biggest fucking pity party ever. You were invited telepathetically, but you didn't show. You didn't miss anything anyway. The band sucked, someone spiked the punch with Diet Coke (so it had a nasty aftertaste), and the police came and handcuffed everyone, but me..., since I was off holding the bag.

Before the cop on hipster action began, there was all this having fun and dancing and the people I wished I were just gave me their professionally disdainful looks. I had to pay them in advance to come, so when I told them I wanted my money back, they just laughed at me.

It was right around that time when my pants fell down, which was just as well, since I had just started my period and they were white (and unflattering) and had gotten bloodsoaked anyway. For some reason, I responded to the humiliation by yelling at them all that they'd all be sorry, which is a mistake when your real name is what mine is. That's when someone called the cops.

I would have been thankful if I could have cut my losses and just curled up into a ball right then and there, but I didn't. I decided it was time to toast the bride I was pretending to be in my white wedding shirt sans the white hotpants. Even though I felt conspicuously naked with no tattoos showing, at least I had my dimply thighs to distract from my message of sniveling propiety.

About then, Mr. Bee announced that he had never seen me in his life and everyone cheered and the piñata broke open and everyone rushed up and got all the chocolate footballs before I could even get one piece, even though I had done a perfect slide into home base- aka the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.

When I got up and dusted off my naked, dimply ass, I saw that this was Mr. Bee's new wife and they were kissing and she threw a bouquet at me and I caught it and noticed it was nettles and my eyes were burning, since I caught it with my face and my glasses were lost and I had thought it was some sort of chia pet. When I realized that I was not going to have a pet whose fur I could feed on, I got very lonely and distraught.

I figured the kids could cheer me up, so I went to sit at the kids' table, but they were playing musical chairs and they all crowded me out every time I went to sit in a chair lest I get my bloody, leaf-encrusted rear on the presents that weren't for me.

I was starting to think that no one wanted me there, but then they announced there was going to be a snipe hunt, and I was selected to hold the bag.

I was elated.

It was about 12 hours later, when I returned to the house, that I saw the note informing me that the after-party had moved to an undisclosed police location.

And, to top it all off, when I looked in the mirror, I noticed I had been having a bad hair day all along.

Fortunately, these messages of hope cheered me up.


Cormac Brown said...

Wow, I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who has dreams like this after eating Chinese and Mexican food in the same day.

Doc said...

Your messages of hope cheered me up too. I especially loved the puritan cartoon. Great stuff, his and yours.


Lisa said...

One of your best! I've missed you.

Utah Savage said...

Well you do have some pretty crazy dreams woman.

I was nosing around the wulfshead and found you in a naughty cop costume. You'd been there and then you were gone. I didn't even get a dance or a kiss or anything. But I'm glad to see you've been to the only wateringhole I visit. Now I'll be on the prowl. I need to spruce up and get my cute on so you'll notice me sitting in the corner sucking on my bong.

Liberality said...

I hate it when that happens.

Bubs said...

That was exhausting. I like your dreams.

Favorite line?

"Cop on hipster action"

Comrade Kevin said...

I had a totally weird dream last night. Ended up having a sexual relationship/affair with someone I go to meeting with, someone whom I have never harbored feelings in real life. I woke up before the husband caught us.

Mathman6293 said...

Sometimes dreams seem real.

Randal Graves said...


I never remember my dreams unless they're mind-numbingly boring, so I'm going to steal yours.

The next time you curl up in a ball and everyone is being a doofus, have one of those James Bond wheel spikes so as you roll around, you can viciously attack those who refuse to refund your hard-earned loot.

Anonymous said...

Gird your loins, my sweet...I may be having my own little pity party when we meet tomorrow.

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Dr. Zaius said...

Wow! What a party... Are there any chips left?