6/6/09

A Rattle, a Peep and a Slew of Obligatory Paperwork

Wednesday was the last day of public school here, and come Thursday I had my baby bees ready to go to their grandparents' house. I would have preferred that it not be so soon, but as it ends up, it's probably for the best. Mr. Bee took a rare and much needed visit to an old friend in St. Louis, which will be followed by a stag show on wheels return- if I know his cohort, which I do despite Mr. Bee's keeping us ten-foot poles apart from each other- for proprietary reasons, no doubt.

Because of the perfect storm of my working weekends, Mr. Bee's being gone, and generous and loving in-laws, their summer of the monkeys has begun already. I am a free woman. I was hit with a profound loneliness when driving away from them Thursday evening, but seeing as Mr. Bee's work truck has now been ripped from his sweaty palms for financial reasons by his employers, I will spend much of my summer blissfully stranded at my cuntry deathtrap- which is not terribly conducive to normal children's doin's, like swimming, having friends and riding bikes in cul-de-sacs. Sure, there are black and white beetles to hunt, scorpions to de-tail, and sticks to stab each other with, but seeing as a three-week venture to Montana is even in their near future, I'm going to chalk this up to a win-win and begin the slovenly debacle.

The lip model will be visiting her birth father in a properly remote location- away from her current boyfriend, aka "Lipring," and so, it is the case that The Future President will be with me (spending the night with friends half of that, no doubt) every two weeks when I will be forced to take her bowling, to babysit and all manner of costly endeavors. She's truly fun to be with. I am looking forward to our Summer of Mother-Daughter Bonding™.

In late June, I will be house sitting in Austin proper- though merely watering plants is my prerogative, as well. If Mr. Bee decided to delve into the sauce as deeply as he's been heading, I will take my three-week bus access locale to find real work (arrggh) and a bitty place in Austin. The irony though is that most of the things I want to spend my time doing right now involve investing my time in our lovely home area. We have discontinued wood flooring straight out of Ikea that detoured to our house on its way to a construction dumpster, and so our not-white-anymore carpet can come out at an ideal time- no school, no kids, no muss, no fuss. I am most interested in de-clutterization, which is a good step to take whether I stay or go, so that's where the slew of papers (and, that's an understatement) and my sexy new used file cabinet come into play.

I have been on a Peep Show marathon. If you haven't seen Peep Show and you are going to heed even one tiny thing I say for a change, go to YouTube, and start from Season 1, Episode 1 and laugh yer pretty ass off! I discovered it over at Hulu, but they only have the first season. The first five seasons in their entirety are on YT. I recommend going to watch it now before the bastardized US version is made and spoils it. Mark and Jez are wonderfully inept (pictured above) and perfectly debaucherous. If you got this far in one of my posts, you will love Peep Show, because it is actually funny. Go! Do it!

So, to make a long post longer still, when I got back from meeting the in-laws midway between Dallas and Austin, as is our usual MO, I began my bachelorette padding off with Super Extreme Lazing™. My lovely dog of 14 years was having her own bark-fest, and every once in a while I don't stop her from howling at the moon like all the cool dogs do after I go out and have a Lassie heart-to-heart with her to make sure an escaped marijuana criminal isn't going to steal a pie out of my window sill, but by midnight, when I knew it was really time to put a stop to it and I went to call her into the house, I saw our kitty with the people name, Isaac, with tail puffed-up, strongly considering pouncing on a certain special something I then heard rattling. Barbecue and Applesauce, my good children with fur ran into the house no problem, but Isaac really wanted himself some of that rattling goodness, and would not heed my frenzied cat calls and attempts to spoil his certain death wish mood (for the third time as written about here and here). So, in a move of extreme stupidity, I ran down our porch stairs, grabbed that sucker cat by the fluffed up tail and ran back into house to call a sure to be either jealous or disappointed that I didn't get bitten Mr. Bee like a whiny little girl.

He asked me if I had killed the rattling rattle snake- which is the most absurd question he's ever asked me. Thoughts of bludgeoning the creature with a broom until it bit me were my best ideas until he suggested I might be able to run over the undeserving creature who probably only wanted a little sip out of the dog's water bowl like a good little snaky pet. By the time I weighed the pro and cons, with broom in hand, I pole vaulted into the passenger side door of my van and backed up to see that the perp had either left or was currently traveling up the exhaust system to bite me through the air vents. The rattle snake round-up ended, and I could not be more thankful that my Baby Bees are having a very vanilla concrete summer in the suburbs.

Even though the last time I rode a horse, for reals, I was bucked off and had her stomp my shin bone in what was likely a fracture I never had treated and is now a bump on my bone, yesterday I got right back up on that Rattlesnake Hunter horse and discovered my new hour-long walking trail which involves a trek through my hood's communal woods, the first of the many I will take in this, my heretofore deemed Summer of Fitness Frenzy™.

Stay Tuned for the Further Rustic Redneck Adventures of Freida Bee, Cuntry MD:
  • I Hope You're One of Those People Who Thinks I Smell Good When I Get Sprayed by a Skunk
  • Coyotes are Cute: Fact or Fiction?
  • The Legend of a Sleepy Wallow
  • I Was Awakened by the Sound of Two Vultures Fighting on My Roof as Was Visible Through My Skylight*
  • Translations from an Owl Whisperer
  • Guinea Hens and Peacocks Getting it On- nsfw
  • Emus in the Big Apple: God's Glucking Goons Take Manhattan
  • Excuse Me Kind Sir, But Could You Remove that Hockey Mask and Point me to the Nearest Outhouse?
  • I Smelled Fire and I Smelled Rain (Which was a Relief Because I Thought the Smell of Manure Would Never End)
  • No Officer, I Had No Idea Them Cowpatties Had Mushrooms In 'Em; I Only Wanted Ta Burn 'Em Fer Fuel
  • Ladiez of the Prairie Gone Wild
With Special Guest- The Florence Joe Diaries: Flo Jo Gets Arrested For Singing "99 Bottles of PBR in the Fellowship Hall" in Church

*This one happened a few days ago.

9 comments:

Randal Graves said...

Remember, bowling is the sport of kings.

Can you film your pole vaulting exploits for YouTube? I see superhero crimefighting in your future. You already have the avatar, so why not go whole hog?

Liberality said...

Rattle Snakes!!!! How can you live there out in the desert like that???? NO, I could not do it, not in a million years!

Blueberry said...

Cats seem to get out their attitudes when it comes to snakes. Bad idea, but cats are not known for good sense, just looking cute with a bushy tail.

susan said...

It sounds as if you have the activities of three normal summers hog-tied and ready to rumble. I can really relate to the horse riding part, including having been thrown and jumped on.

Utah Savage said...

Well, you made me laugh several times. You can check that off your list.

We have rattle snakes too out here in the wild wild west. And though I've ridden horses all my life I was in my fifties before I ever got thrown. It is inevitable if one persists riding horses. Now that you've been thrown and stomped on you can check that off your list too. See what progress you're making?

Ricky Shambles said...

Scorpions and rattlesnakes? I must say I prefer small spiders and - not-rattlesnakes that we get up North in Cincinnati. Cool weather does that to them there arachnids.

Best of luck, and enjoy your You time!

Lisa said...

I can't tell you which part is the most funny, which is the most poignant. I'd have to go back and reread four more times.

I could go for some time without kids so I'm a touch envious on that score.

The rattlesnakes, not so much.

You'll appreciate this. I think. The other day MathMan sent me an email about a peacock who'd gotten loose and terrorized some small community. (As peacocks are known to do, I guess.) In his economical literary style, MathMan placed carefully one line in his email.

Subject: Peacock runs amok amid golfing community

Message from MathMan: Searching for a peacunt, no doubt.

Ah - I do love it when school is out and MathMan stops talking to me in numbers for a refreshing change.

Ricky Shambles said...

Episode 1 of Peep Show down and I don't even know what part to quote. But I will be using the term "fuck jar" as often as possible.

And while I realize only YouTube has the whole deal, Hulu is the most amazing thing that will contribute to the fall of our civilization, desktop version taking a big step in that direction.

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