7/27/09

Just When We Were Worried That Our Needs Were Going to Outpace Technology...


New Taser Stun Gun Can Deliver 3 Shocks!

Aw geez, that's sweet. The police just thought we should know.... Of course, there are some cops (actually, I can't think of any others) I wouldn't mind handcuffing me in an empty warehouse in the middle of the night, but I digress....

Also too, two lovely bloggers bloggers thought we needed to know about these, so they must be important! They're even one after another on my blogroll. Coincidence? I think not!

Speaking of things we just shouldn't go without...

Does anyone else think Lisa should start selling sex toys too? Can ya feel me?

Drink Up Bitches

How we ever got by without these corporate hacks all this time is beyond me.... (They're cute when they're angry, so go piss 'em off.)

This wasn't going to be one of those lurch around and cheat with your neighbors kinda posts, but I'm pretty sure it's what Andy Rooney
woulda done, if we knew the rest of the story (sic). Earlier today, I thought Andy Rooney had died and then came to find out I was wrong. Can't pull any shit on him...


(Sexiest link always gets Andy Rooney. It's the rule. See Santa's Clause 875896, Line 2475.375, which clearly states: "Sexiest link always gets Andy Rooney." It just keeps the universe in order, which is what Martha Stewart wants, and believe you me, you don't want to piss off Martha Stewart, and please don't ever tell her I said that, or she'll order another hit on me and I barely got out from under that last hit. I had to go into the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program. Please, don't tell Steven Wright I stole that one from him or the consequences will be unfathomably unusual and nobody likes unfathomably unusual things to be done to them, particularly when lime yogurt is involved.)

In closing, I'd like to add this famous quote from one of my favorite quotidians, Wayne Coyne:
"So here's this doctor, thinking he has knowledge, but he has no experience. And here's [my friend], having this horrible experience, but with no formal knowledge. It's like throwing a hot dog to try to stop a tornado: You get the same damage done, but now everything's covered with meat and mustard," (Wayne) Coyne said (during his Classen School of Advanced Studies in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma 2006 graduation address.)

"So what have we learned?" he asked in summation. "Well, we've learned that we should avoid jellyfish no matter what, and we've learned that pain — if it's severe enough — trumps all logic in the human brain. And we've learned that having urine put on your face is probably not as bad as we thought it would be.

"And so as you go out into the world, be aware of those inexperienced fools who offer easy, exotic solutions to painful and complicated problems," he continued. "Do your best to learn from all your experiences, not just the sting of your failures, but also from the joyful accidents that will occur along the way."
This has been a public service announcement from your friendly neighborhood consumer socialist division.

Move along, People.




(Oh, and Corduroy.)

9 comments:

Cormac Brown said...

Yo, mad props for Sascha B getting mad bad, stupid upside Andy Roo's head, yo!

Sandy Underpants said...

thanks for the link eclectic pink, you the most.

Sex Toys said...

cool blog

Randal Graves said...

I'm confused. Am I supposed to tase Andy Rooney, then watch the Muppets?

Blueberry said...

Andy Rooney should be replaced by Keyboard Cat.

Freida Bee, MD said...

Cormac- I love me some Ali G, but you can't pull a fast one on Rooney. Can't be done. No way no how.

Sandy U (my alma mater) well screw- Andy Rooney got me again. I was thinking of Paul Harvey with the Rest of the Story line. Used to listen on my first car's am radio when I was sick of the 8 tracks. Andy Rooney woke me up at 4 AM correcting me. cocksucker. Then I got stung by a scorion. I'm gonna blame him for that, too.

Sex Toys- not. gonna. click. crap.

Randal- Good luck tryin' with Rooney. He's a ninja.

Blueberry- had to look it up, http://playhimoffkeyboardcat.com/.

hahaha. That would piss him off so good (Rooney, of course.)

Lisa said...

I'm sensing a trend here. I'm thinking SPA might just encompass more than the flesh of the face.

Steve said...

pretty soon the taser will be like those 5 bladed disposable razors our corporate overlords make use!

Bubs said...

Hmmm...this may be the first time I've heard "F*ck the Police" and not been insulted. Although, just a point, given your handcuffs in a warehouse comment, shouldn't it be saying "f*ck A police"?