This is a Test. This is Only a Test.

You'll never guess what I just spent my last two productive hours here at work doing. Seriously, you would never guess, and as fun as it might be to just wait and hear what you think it might be, I'm going to narrow the field with a few multiple choice choosin's.

Complete the following sentence.

Besides conducting my sexy security guard rounds in my long-sleeved black t, sexy black tuxedo pants, denim Wrangler western shirt with ESD smock atop, for the last two hours I have been:

a. Torturing the stray kitty I met on my rounds by alternating between petting it, running from it, chasing it, and dragging string across the back dock area.

b. Watching porn on my (less traceable) laptop and taking necessary bathroom breaks, fantasizing about my former co-worker.

c. Doing my Real Ananlysis homework to please my very awesome professora quien usada ser un hombre. (Es verdad, pero la parte del mis estuve trabajando.)

d. Arguing on the phone with Mr. Bee en Spanglish™ so nos baby Bee's no pueden comprender que we're saying.

e. Drifting in and out of consciousness while I wait for the coffee with crappy powdered creamer to kick in, (since I left my giant jar of milk on the kitchen counter this morning.)

f. Looking at ~10,000 short haircut pictures, so I can get my hair did this week.

g. Failing to resist the urge to eat the two remaining pieces of pepperoni pizza (on whole wheat crust, at least) that remained after I was included in the IT guys' Saturday pizza romp (as I am in nearly all food exchanges that take place here, since my desk is in the gynormous break-room of the facility, hence the alt. name of my positions' being "perma-break.")

h. Reading the mini-bio of every single Miss America since the dawn of time.

i. Becoming self-actualized and completing my life's journey.

j. Actually typing this, after packing up my belongings, from the nearby coffeeshop while I figure out what the hell I'm going to tell Mr. Bee.

k. Pulling out 200 of my gray hairs. One. By. One.

l. Writing my self-help book, inspired by
this post, entitled How to Re-claim Your Virginity in All Areas of Your Life.

m. Trying to figure out what are the differences between mathematical induction and strong mathematical induction (if there really are any- I'm skeptical).

n. Cranking music and getting all sweaty to the oldies.

o. Being locked out of the building when I left my keys and my badge at my desk, waiting for an employee to arrive rather than call my boss.

p. Sticking it to a the man.

q. Trying to catch M&M's in my mouth with very little success.

r. Practicing my juggling with the three tennis balls that are inexplicably here for me to "guard."

s. Wiping down every surface I touch (including each doorknob in the facility) with isopropyl alcohol wipes.

t. Froodling the naughty bits of aliens.

u. Reading blogs, and leaving estute comments. Business as usual.

v. Having a panic attack, because it seemed I may have overdosed on Xylitol from chewing an entire pack of Orbit gum.

w. Making up a jingle for the Brady Bunch sequel. It includes the line, "Here's the real story...."

x. Watching Diary of a Callgirl on Netflix, crushing real hard on the lady from the first season of Dr. Who.

y. Pondering the meaning of the universe and how the hell it either a.) all started out of nothing, or b.) how the original instigator came out of nothing.

z. Other (Must provide in comments).

Winner(s) get(s) (a) Froodle(s). You may state your Froodle request with your answer or after you discover your fortuitous fate.


Comrade Kevin said...

b2. Reading my comment and deciding whether it's a completely throwaway gesture or secretly means anything profound and subtle.

Mauigirl said...

All of the above?

lisahgolden said...

I'm so inclined toward all of the above, too. And because I nearly peed myself laughing, I can't even come up with anything remotely clever to type now because I just have to hit publish and go!

Utah Savage said...

Sorry to run with the herd, but you are an "all of the above" kind of woman.

Blueberry said...

It's a hellish job, but *somebody* has to do it. Sounds like you've gone over and above the call of duty, regardless of the job description.

Anonymous said...

Still employed I hope. I didn't like the sound of that one about packing up your belongings and wondering what to tell Mr. Bee.

Anyway, someone has to guard those tennis balls.

Unknown said...

I could come up with something but I think I would embarrass myself. Maybe, I'll retreat to my closet write it down and then...

Anonymous said...

I say you did none of the above.

Life As I Know It Now said...

uh p. Sticking it to a the man ?

Ted McLaughlin said...

Having once been a security guard myself, and knowing the mind-numbing boredom of the job, I say all of the above.

Cormac Brown said...

Damn it Freida, embrace the gray!

We're here, we're gray, don't have a fit.

La Belette Rouge said...

I am going with i. as I believe it is a trick question/answer. In doing "i" you would be doing all of the other things too. So 'I' and all of the above would be one in the same.

Randal Graves said...

I think you're trying to fuck with our minds. For example, you watched Brady Bunch on Netflix, crushing real hard on the naughty bits of aliens after having wiped them down with isopropyl alcohol wipes.

Can I have a froodle?

Oh, z. You were jealously guarding the hoard of gold doubloons stolen from Cortez by a drunken Spaniard and hidden underneath your current place of employment, brandishing a sword and spewing forth fire like Gene Simmons.

dguzman said...

Oh you fools--she's doing everything EXCEPT n. sweatin' to the oldies.

Glad to know I'm not the only one who does k. I've also been known to color said grays with a brown sharpie. HIGHLIGHTS!

Dean Wormer said...

On Doctor Who - Rose isn't as hot as Martha Jones, IMHO.

Ghost Dansing said...

something looks oddly different here....

Distributorcap said...

t - just not klingons

Freida Bee said...

Comrade- Wouldn't you like to not like to not like to not like to not like to know? ;)

Mauigirl- Awww, you know me well, but I was only referring to the two hours prior to that post. Incidentally, the locking myself outside of the building could have been a dead give-away. One cannot be a good sneak if one is careless.

Though, I am flattered at all of the "All of The Above" guesses.

Lisa- Yep. Nope. But, anytime I make you pee yourself is a good time, indeed.

Utah- C'mon- Did you really think I was doing my homework? It wasn't due for 2 more days. And, Dguzman is kinda right about the exercise thing.

Blueberry- Yes. I have. I've been waiting so long for my Employee of the Year™ placard, I'm probably going to just have to break down and make one for myself out of macaroni (on the clock, of course.) ;)

Clark- Yes. I am still employed. For some reason, they love me here. I don't think many people are willing to sit around with "nothing" to do every single Saturday and Sunday for three years solid, or so I take it as such. (Of course, as bloggers- with internet access at the job, you would understand why I actually love this job.) I also have gotten lucky and have noticed the big stuff when I was supposed to.

Mathman- You may present what "came up" for you in a more private setting then, if you wish. ;)

Lass- You are wise, young grasshopper, but you have failed to see this post for what it was..., a veiled attempt to confess that h. was the correct answer. Oh, the shame!

Liberality- You know, in my so posting this, perhaps p. cannot be denied. I will happily grant you the froodle request of your choosing. ;)

Jobsanger- Ahhh, you are idealistic. Two hours is not nearly enough time to do all that. I require the full twelve-hour shift. ;)

Cormac- Being black and white is my schtick. ;) Oh, you meant my hair...? See DGuzman's future reply.

La Bellette- You, my pretty, are wise with your ninja-logic, indeed. So being defeated, I will grant you a froodle request, as I bow to you, The Mistress of Nebulosity! ;)

Randal- Since z. is correct, I have no choice, but to begrudgingly grant you a froodle request. Are you the one who put all these cameras in here? (Is x your request, or do you have another?)

DGuzman- You are sosososo close and yet so far. I have learned (in the pursuance of i.) that when I pull out a gray, it grows back really short and sticks out, and also I've begun to get to many to keep up now. The Sharpie idea is brilliant, though!

Dean- I will not question your judgement here, but only say that I am just now watching the first season. I am glad I have the anticipation to keep me going, now.

Ghost- It's me. Only, I thought things weren't personal enough, so I made the place more dark and intimate. I'm glad you came by to visit... unless it was another oddity to which you were referring, which may be justified, as well.

DCap- Do you know something about the naughty bits of Kling-ons that I don't? I guess since Worf is only half Cling-on, he may have misled me.


Freida Bee said...

(Randal- I meant z. rather than x.)

Cormac Brown said...

If I needed Sharpies for touch-ups, I'd need a semi-trailer full of 'em.