9/18/10

State of the Kitty Address: What Up Me Cunt?*

As you might expect, with one foot in the blogging door and one foot out, I am straddling the abyss between over-exposure and under-exposure most gracefully... even when I'm not.  This is what good Cat Ladiez™ like myself do to protect the masses and survive when Facebook doesn't quite cut it.  Yes, I wanted to post my recent jubilation over being the proud new owner of my very own Diva Cup, but  figured when werd of my vaginal investment spread to my baby Bees, they wouldn't not be able to not use it against me next time we ran out of cereal.  I can hear it already, "If you wouldn't have been so selfish and spent $30 on that stupid cat toy, we would be eating Cinnamon Life after we brushed our teeth tonight.  IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.  EVERYTHING."  That's why I blog, you know.

I've missed you.  I know I say that then I go away and you forget about me and then I come all up in here and show my fetching kitty again, and here we go all over again.  Let's just get used to it, k?  I know you are, but what am I?

Besides storing a Trapper Keeper in me cunt™, I've been working it long and hardly.  Kinda.  I've theoretically substituted far more than I've actually substituted.  I've been teaching easy smart hippy kids the maths and still rockin' this here security guard garb to the max.  It's blue.  It's polyester.  It's fabulous.  Respect my authoritah!  I am starting my first book club tomorrow night.  It's Oprah's super secret book club.  I'm pretty sure Dan Savage is gonna be there.  (I hope someone remembered to invite him.  Uh.)  We're gonna be discussing the book Sex at Dawn.  Sitting around talking about the sex.  What am I gonna need this blog for?

We'll see.

Confessions.  Complaints.  Overwhelming masturbatory urges, of course.
 
Coming Soon (and Vaginally):
  • 13 Things I Regret Smuggling in My Diva Cup™
  • XXX LOL Cat Ladiez Love Kissin' teh Kittehz (slurp) (sic) 
  • The Menstrual Revolt of 2010- What You Need to Know
  • If You Suffer From Pesky Vaginal Wetness, We Can Help!
  • For Those of You Keepin' Score of the Set: {28 Days, 28 Days, 28 Days, ... .}
  • International MathCunts Competition Gets Frisky
  • Secrets My Vagina Told You in My Sleep
  • Sacha Baron Cohen Plays Freddie Mercury... in My Vagina.
  • My Vagina

5 comments:

Liberality said...

At least you still have a sex drive. Mine is slowly ebbing away into old a once upon a time status and I kind of miss it once in a while when I remember the good old multiple orgasm days. I really want that MO back!!!

Randal Graves said...

Besides storing a Trapper Keeper in me cunt

This might explain why they banned these during grade school so many years ago.

Sex At Dawn? Isn't that about Pearl Harbor? No, that's At Dawn They Sex. You sunk my battleship!

Tengrain said...

Dr. Bee -

What is this trapper keeper of which you speak? Inquiring minds and all that rot.

Regards,

Tengrain

Lisa said...

I might could read that book. Sounds interesting.

In case you were wondering, I laughed out loud (LOL'd) through this whole post. For one thing, I'm glad it's not just my kids who eat after they brush their teeth at gunpoint at night. And two - all the rest of it. Except for your kitty. I don't laugh about that.

Freida Bee, MD said...

Lib- If it's anything like what I experienced taking Zoloft for a year, I deeply sympathize. That was like shooting your foot to kill a mosquito-- except without the anxiety. ;) You need me to write more smut, say the word. (Any excuse. ;)

Randal- Don't make me come over there and give you a wedgie. ? If you can explain why guys do/ did that, I can explain Judy Bloom at our super secret book club.

Tengrain- I'm re-referring to the Diva Cup™, which has such a cheesy name I'd rather call it a Trapper Keeper, but pretend it's because a writer is loath to re-use the same word twice. Werd?

It's a little silicone cat toy one puts up her cunt to catch blood. Some cat ladiez collect doilies. Some collect figurines. Some, it seems, collect lil' bowls of blood. Tea anyone? Seems rather a shame to go to all that trouble just to flush it or wash it down the sink. Environmentally friendly + suction= new best friend.

Lisa- We might as well reap the sexual benefits of raising our children communally from afar, here. Just think of all the benign neglect you can implement with the phrase, "Go ask your mom." We need a cat lady meet up, dear.